1 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:56,394 Louie! 2 00:00:56,594 --> 00:00:57,516 Louie! 3 00:01:16,368 --> 00:01:19,621 I'm such a fan. 4 00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:20,272 Oh, my God, 5 00:01:20,472 --> 00:01:21,081 you are funny. 6 00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:49,168 All right. 7 00:02:49,210 --> 00:02:50,087 Let's get started. 8 00:02:50,129 --> 00:02:51,672 Go ahead, sit down. 9 00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:52,556 Get... Yes. 10 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:53,599 Sit down, 11 00:02:53,799 --> 00:02:55,467 we're just starting. 12 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,844 There's no opening act. 13 00:02:56,685 --> 00:02:56,685 Fuck it, 14 00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:58,637 just let's start. 15 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,221 Let's just start. 16 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,557 Get your seats. 17 00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,392 Get your beers, every... 18 00:03:04,592 --> 00:03:05,188 go ahead. 19 00:03:05,388 --> 00:03:06,185 Sit down. 20 00:03:06,227 --> 00:03:08,897 Kill the house lights, 21 00:03:08,739 --> 00:03:08,739 let's just start. 22 00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:12,026 Let's just start the show. 23 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:16,113 There's no point in, um, 24 00:03:16,313 --> 00:03:16,313 screwing around. 25 00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:19,912 I'll do all the announcements 26 00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:21,076 that you would have heard. 27 00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:21,789 Please turn off 28 00:03:21,989 --> 00:03:22,661 your cell phones. 29 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,371 Don't... 30 00:03:24,412 --> 00:03:28,083 I mean, you can take pictures, 31 00:03:28,283 --> 00:03:28,283 but turn off the flash. 32 00:03:28,483 --> 00:03:29,246 That's stupid, 33 00:03:29,446 --> 00:03:30,209 because it's not... 34 00:03:30,251 --> 00:03:31,670 Like when you're watching 35 00:03:31,870 --> 00:03:32,383 the World Series 36 00:03:32,583 --> 00:03:33,296 and there's all... 37 00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:36,884 Like, your flash is lighting 38 00:03:36,725 --> 00:03:36,725 Yankee Stadium. 39 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,594 Just leave your flash off. 40 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:39,436 If you have... 41 00:03:39,636 --> 00:03:41,763 Don't yell out during the show. 42 00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,974 If you have something you want 43 00:03:44,174 --> 00:03:44,174 to say to me, totally... 44 00:03:44,374 --> 00:03:44,887 This is what we do, 45 00:03:45,087 --> 00:03:45,600 we write it down. 46 00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:49,063 And then you go outside 47 00:03:48,904 --> 00:03:48,904 in the lobby 48 00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,213 and then you go home 49 00:03:50,413 --> 00:03:51,523 and you kill yourself. 50 00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:54,109 Because that's selfish. 51 00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:57,362 This is a rhetorical 52 00:03:57,144 --> 00:03:57,144 performance. 53 00:03:57,344 --> 00:03:57,344 It's got 54 00:03:57,404 --> 00:04:00,199 nothing to do with you. 55 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:02,076 Don't text or Twitter 56 00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:02,622 during the show. 57 00:04:02,822 --> 00:04:03,368 Just live your life. 58 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:04,995 Don't keep telling people what 59 00:04:04,837 --> 00:04:04,837 you're doing. 60 00:04:05,037 --> 00:04:07,831 Just... Because also... 61 00:04:07,873 --> 00:04:11,334 Also... 62 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,318 it lights up your 63 00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:13,461 big dumb face. 64 00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:15,047 It lights it up. 65 00:04:15,089 --> 00:04:17,094 I see this beautiful sea of 66 00:04:17,294 --> 00:04:19,300 darkness and then just one guy. 67 00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:20,761 So don't do that. 68 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,179 Uh, what else? 69 00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:23,184 No Jews, I think they 70 00:04:23,384 --> 00:04:24,347 said that earlier. 71 00:04:24,189 --> 00:04:24,189 But I just... 72 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,683 they told me I have to say it. 73 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:29,811 Jews aren't allowed. 74 00:04:29,853 --> 00:04:32,773 If you're Jewish, this is a good 75 00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:33,548 time to go if you're... 76 00:04:33,748 --> 00:04:34,036 If you see somebody 77 00:04:34,236 --> 00:04:34,524 kind of Jewy-looking, 78 00:04:34,566 --> 00:04:36,530 please tell an usher 79 00:04:36,730 --> 00:04:38,695 and they will, um... 80 00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,239 Sir, come on, let's go. 81 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,949 Come on, let's go. 82 00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:49,414 But I'm really glad 83 00:04:49,256 --> 00:04:49,256 you're here. 84 00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:52,918 This is a sizeable crowd, 85 00:04:53,118 --> 00:04:53,118 this is a big place. 86 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:52,760 This is about 87 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:54,711 2,500 people here. 88 00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:57,923 And that's, um... 89 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,382 that's a lot of people. 90 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:00,884 That's enough people 91 00:05:00,726 --> 00:05:00,726 to be, like, 92 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:03,470 a sample of the population. 93 00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:05,680 2,500 people is enough people 94 00:05:05,522 --> 00:05:05,522 that you're all 95 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:06,723 going to experience... 96 00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:08,558 There's enough people 97 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:08,200 here to say 98 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:08,400 that within two months, 99 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,519 at least one of you will die. 100 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:13,981 I'm just saying. 101 00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:18,693 I think it's probably 102 00:05:18,535 --> 00:05:18,535 accurate to say 103 00:05:18,735 --> 00:05:20,095 that out of any random 104 00:05:20,295 --> 00:05:21,655 group of 2,500 people, 105 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:23,661 not all of you are gonna make it 106 00:05:23,861 --> 00:05:25,826 to Christmas, unfortunately. 107 00:05:25,867 --> 00:05:28,203 There's gonna be... 108 00:05:28,245 --> 00:05:32,124 At least one of you 109 00:05:31,906 --> 00:05:31,906 here tonight 110 00:05:32,106 --> 00:05:32,106 is going to ruin 111 00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:36,335 your family's Christmas 112 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:39,089 by dying a shitty death, 113 00:05:39,131 --> 00:05:40,590 and I don't know who it is, 114 00:05:40,790 --> 00:05:40,790 I'm sorry. 115 00:05:43,477 --> 00:05:43,477 I don't know, 116 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,595 your death is, whatever. 117 00:05:45,637 --> 00:05:49,183 Some people, they want you to do 118 00:05:49,024 --> 00:05:49,024 things when they die 119 00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:51,522 with their... Like, "I want you 120 00:05:51,722 --> 00:05:54,021 to take my ashes and sprinkle..." 121 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,857 Fuck you, I'm not doing 122 00:05:57,057 --> 00:05:57,057 none of that shit. 123 00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,525 You're dead, 124 00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:01,987 I'm not gonna run errands for 125 00:06:02,187 --> 00:06:03,179 you after you're dead. 126 00:06:03,379 --> 00:06:04,572 You don't matter anymore. 127 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,039 Some people try to do something, 128 00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:11,880 you know, 129 00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,498 noble with their bodies. 130 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,125 They try to have their bodies 131 00:06:14,967 --> 00:06:14,967 have some use 132 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,234 after they're dead, which 133 00:06:16,434 --> 00:06:17,502 I think is a good thought. 134 00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:17,344 You're only 135 00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:19,296 borrowing your body. 136 00:06:19,338 --> 00:06:20,714 You're only borrowing 137 00:06:20,555 --> 00:06:20,555 everything. 138 00:06:20,755 --> 00:06:22,465 If your body is worth anything 139 00:06:22,665 --> 00:06:23,137 when you're done with it, 140 00:06:23,337 --> 00:06:24,009 you should pass it on. 141 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:24,680 That's something 142 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:25,510 I really believe. 143 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:27,224 I mean, I'm not gonna do it 144 00:06:27,424 --> 00:06:29,097 because I don't want to... 145 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,265 Ew, it's mine. 146 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,391 I don't want... 147 00:06:32,233 --> 00:06:32,233 I don't... 148 00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:33,897 I have a lot of beliefs 149 00:06:34,097 --> 00:06:35,562 and I live by none of them. 150 00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:37,522 That's just the way I am. 151 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:38,736 They're just my beliefs, 152 00:06:38,936 --> 00:06:40,108 I just like believing them. 153 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,319 I like that part. 154 00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:43,987 They're my little "believees," 155 00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:46,365 they make me feel good 156 00:06:46,145 --> 00:06:46,145 about who I am, 157 00:06:46,345 --> 00:06:46,345 but if they get 158 00:06:46,405 --> 00:06:48,200 in the way of a thing I want, 159 00:06:48,042 --> 00:06:48,042 or I want to jack off or 160 00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,744 something, I fucking do that. 161 00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:53,121 But... 162 00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,748 But some people take it... 163 00:06:54,589 --> 00:06:54,589 My grandma, 164 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:59,002 grandmother, she... 165 00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:01,420 For the layman. 166 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:08,661 My grandmother, she gave her 167 00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:11,472 body to a medical school 168 00:07:11,314 --> 00:07:11,314 for it to just be 169 00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:14,309 examined and dissected, 170 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,311 which is a good thought 171 00:07:15,953 --> 00:07:15,953 for that, 172 00:07:16,153 --> 00:07:16,153 but her survivors, 173 00:07:16,353 --> 00:07:19,898 her family, that was a person. 174 00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,482 That was my grandmother. 175 00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:25,279 She used to wear glasses 176 00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:25,060 and say things. 177 00:07:25,260 --> 00:07:25,260 And now she's just 178 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:28,782 shaved head on a metal table 179 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:31,246 with a hung over medical student 180 00:07:31,446 --> 00:07:33,870 trying to dig out her pancreas 181 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,663 and he gets an "F." 182 00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:37,565 Imagine being the body where 183 00:07:37,765 --> 00:07:39,626 the kid got an "F" on you. 184 00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:43,696 The teacher is like, 185 00:07:43,896 --> 00:07:45,090 "No, you idiot!" 186 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:47,634 And he writes "F" on her tit 187 00:07:47,475 --> 00:07:47,475 with a Sharpie 188 00:07:47,675 --> 00:07:51,763 and just throws her down a chute 189 00:07:51,963 --> 00:07:51,963 on the pile of "F" bodies. 190 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,981 So, I don't care about her. 191 00:08:01,022 --> 00:08:03,066 Shut up, idiot. 192 00:08:03,108 --> 00:08:05,652 Shut your fucking mouth. 193 00:08:05,693 --> 00:08:07,821 Did you hear me before? 194 00:08:13,327 --> 00:08:14,828 Okay, so what am I gonna do 195 00:08:14,609 --> 00:08:14,609 with my body? 196 00:08:14,809 --> 00:08:14,809 I'm gonna die 197 00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:17,038 and I've gotta tell people 198 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:17,626 what to do with 199 00:08:17,826 --> 00:08:18,373 my remains. 200 00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:20,417 And I have an idea for something 201 00:08:20,617 --> 00:08:21,026 to do with my body, 202 00:08:21,226 --> 00:08:21,835 or for other people 203 00:08:21,676 --> 00:08:21,676 to do with it 204 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,420 that will do good in the world, 205 00:08:23,462 --> 00:08:24,363 and it doesn't exist yet 206 00:08:24,563 --> 00:08:25,464 as like an institution, 207 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,447 but I'm gonna create it 208 00:08:26,647 --> 00:08:27,590 starting with my body. 209 00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,634 And what it is, it's a place 210 00:08:29,476 --> 00:08:29,476 where you can go 211 00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,428 and be with a dead body 212 00:08:31,470 --> 00:08:32,579 and you just do 213 00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:33,888 whatever you want. 214 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:37,142 And the point of this 215 00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:39,686 is that there are people 216 00:08:39,527 --> 00:08:39,527 out there 217 00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:41,108 who have sexual compulsions 218 00:08:41,308 --> 00:08:42,689 and they can't control them 219 00:08:42,730 --> 00:08:45,608 and so they go and they bother 220 00:08:45,390 --> 00:08:45,390 alive people. 221 00:08:45,590 --> 00:08:45,590 And this, 222 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:48,195 you get it out of your system. 223 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:48,807 This is the deal. 224 00:08:49,007 --> 00:08:49,579 You go in the room, 225 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:50,822 there's nobody else with you, 226 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,157 you get 90 minutes. 227 00:08:51,999 --> 00:08:51,999 You just do 228 00:08:52,199 --> 00:08:54,034 whatever you want. 229 00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:55,285 Whatever it is. 230 00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,120 Shit in my mouth. 231 00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:59,414 You wanna... 232 00:08:59,456 --> 00:09:00,523 stick my toe in your 233 00:09:00,723 --> 00:09:01,791 pussy, piss on my face. 234 00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:05,753 Whatever is the thing 235 00:09:05,535 --> 00:09:05,535 you gotta do. 236 00:09:05,735 --> 00:09:05,735 Jack off with 237 00:09:05,795 --> 00:09:08,382 the cartilage of my ear. 238 00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:10,091 Whatever is your heart's 239 00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:10,291 desire. 240 00:09:12,269 --> 00:09:12,269 I want to be 241 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:15,096 the Willy Wonka for perverts. 242 00:09:17,432 --> 00:09:20,394 ♪ You can come on my back ♪ 243 00:09:20,435 --> 00:09:23,146 ♪ And pretend that I am 244 00:09:22,988 --> 00:09:22,988 your father ♪ 245 00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:25,524 ♪ I am dead I don't mind ♪ 246 00:09:35,750 --> 00:09:35,750 Well, you know, sexual 247 00:09:35,950 --> 00:09:39,037 perversion is a problem, it's... 248 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:41,206 You can't stop it, people gotta 249 00:09:40,988 --> 00:09:40,988 do what they gotta do, 250 00:09:41,188 --> 00:09:41,188 and, you know, this 251 00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:44,667 country is pretty perverted. 252 00:09:44,709 --> 00:09:46,669 I mean, we have to jack off 253 00:09:46,869 --> 00:09:47,341 to everything. 254 00:09:47,541 --> 00:09:47,777 There's nothing 255 00:09:47,977 --> 00:09:48,213 that just gets... 256 00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,840 There's not like sex and... 257 00:09:50,682 --> 00:09:50,682 sex is in everything. 258 00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,176 You watch the news and there's 259 00:09:53,376 --> 00:09:54,119 a woman like telling you, 260 00:09:54,319 --> 00:09:55,262 "Oh, and in Libya..." 261 00:09:55,103 --> 00:09:55,103 I'm like, yeah? 262 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:58,014 Tell me about Libya. 263 00:09:58,056 --> 00:09:59,516 Say Libya again. 264 00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:00,808 Come on, fucking right up 265 00:10:01,008 --> 00:10:01,208 to the screen. 266 00:10:01,408 --> 00:10:01,809 My flat-screen. 267 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,895 Come on, say Libya again, 268 00:10:04,095 --> 00:10:04,095 mmm. 269 00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:07,566 It should just be a person. 270 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:08,816 "In Libya." 271 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:12,404 Why does it have to all be 272 00:10:12,246 --> 00:10:12,246 so sexualized? 273 00:10:12,446 --> 00:10:14,243 And music, like everything, 274 00:10:14,443 --> 00:10:16,241 every musician is attractive. 275 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,618 Isn't that a weird coincidence 276 00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:20,745 that everyone who can play music 277 00:10:20,945 --> 00:10:21,521 also looks good? 278 00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:22,009 I would have thought 279 00:10:22,209 --> 00:10:22,497 there would be like 280 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:24,749 one ugly guy with a guitar 281 00:10:24,949 --> 00:10:26,088 who would be amazing, 282 00:10:26,288 --> 00:10:27,627 but fucking zero. 283 00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:32,715 And there's like teen-pop idols 284 00:10:32,915 --> 00:10:34,388 who are children. 285 00:10:34,588 --> 00:10:35,324 And they're on TV 286 00:10:35,524 --> 00:10:36,261 like going, oh, mmm! 287 00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:37,354 It's a kid! 288 00:10:37,554 --> 00:10:38,605 And folks are 289 00:10:38,805 --> 00:10:41,433 jacking off to them. 290 00:10:41,475 --> 00:10:43,226 "Folks." 291 00:10:43,268 --> 00:10:45,728 Folks are jacking off. 292 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:49,649 ♪ Well folks are jacking off 293 00:10:49,849 --> 00:10:49,849 to the girls on TV ♪ 294 00:10:54,288 --> 00:10:54,288 Some of them 295 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,072 are really young. 296 00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,907 I can't think... I don't know 297 00:10:57,689 --> 00:10:57,689 their names. 298 00:10:57,889 --> 00:10:57,889 I don't have 299 00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,535 that knowledge anymore. 300 00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:02,162 I'm too old. 301 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:04,084 Britney Spears... when I think of 302 00:11:04,284 --> 00:11:06,166 a teen idol, is Britney Spears. 303 00:11:06,207 --> 00:11:07,208 That's how old I am. 304 00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:08,709 Because she's my age now. 305 00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:12,547 That's how long ago that was, 306 00:11:12,389 --> 00:11:12,389 she caught up to me. 307 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,924 When I was 35, she was 18, 308 00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:17,511 and now we're both 309 00:11:17,352 --> 00:11:17,352 44 years old. 310 00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,516 So that's how little I know 311 00:11:19,716 --> 00:11:21,680 about who these people are. 312 00:11:24,017 --> 00:11:26,019 I was thinking the other day, 313 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:29,230 what if there was a baby 314 00:11:29,012 --> 00:11:29,012 who was born who... 315 00:11:29,212 --> 00:11:29,212 And there's been 316 00:11:29,272 --> 00:11:31,065 a lot of fucked-up babies. 317 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,237 There's all kinds 318 00:11:32,437 --> 00:11:33,568 of babies born. 319 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:36,070 There's been babies with, 320 00:11:35,912 --> 00:11:35,912 you know, 321 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,764 connected at the face, 322 00:11:37,964 --> 00:11:39,616 to a dog or whatever. 323 00:11:39,658 --> 00:11:41,826 There's been... 324 00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,145 babies with three legs, 325 00:11:44,345 --> 00:11:46,623 with hands on them. 326 00:11:46,665 --> 00:11:47,999 There's been... 327 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:50,293 Chinese babies. 328 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,670 That's... 329 00:11:51,710 --> 00:11:53,630 Okay, that's... 330 00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:56,757 That's the worst thing 331 00:11:56,599 --> 00:11:56,599 I ever said. 332 00:11:56,799 --> 00:12:00,036 I think I just finally said the 333 00:12:00,236 --> 00:12:03,473 worst thing I have ever said. 334 00:12:03,315 --> 00:12:03,315 That was totally 335 00:12:03,515 --> 00:12:07,268 unredeeming and horrible. 336 00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,811 And it feels good. 337 00:12:08,653 --> 00:12:08,653 It feels good 338 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:10,938 to have found bottom. 339 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,256 There's a comfort in knowing 340 00:12:12,456 --> 00:12:13,732 that I just said the worst thing 341 00:12:13,774 --> 00:12:15,318 I'll ever say in the rest 342 00:12:15,518 --> 00:12:15,518 of my life. 343 00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,822 It's good. 344 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:20,990 All right. 345 00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:28,289 Yeah, I'm not a good guy, 346 00:12:28,131 --> 00:12:28,131 I am not. 347 00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:30,083 I wish I was a good guy. 348 00:12:29,924 --> 00:12:29,924 I like the idea 349 00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:32,919 of being a good guy. 350 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,588 Sometimes I have an opportunity 351 00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:35,697 to be a good guy, 352 00:12:35,897 --> 00:12:36,351 but then I don't 353 00:12:36,551 --> 00:12:37,006 necessarily do it. 354 00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:39,342 I was on a plane once and I was 355 00:12:39,542 --> 00:12:40,076 flying first class 356 00:12:40,276 --> 00:12:41,010 because I had a thing. 357 00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:42,970 I fly first class, 358 00:12:42,812 --> 00:12:42,812 who cares? 359 00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:45,473 That's the way it is. 360 00:12:45,315 --> 00:12:45,315 I don't... 361 00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:47,934 I'm not like you. 362 00:12:47,975 --> 00:12:49,561 I'm not, I'm not. 363 00:12:49,603 --> 00:12:51,145 All the things you do, 364 00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:52,297 I do a better version 365 00:12:52,497 --> 00:12:53,607 of all those things. 366 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:56,568 And... 367 00:12:56,610 --> 00:12:57,990 it's only for another year 368 00:12:58,190 --> 00:12:59,571 at the most, believe me. 369 00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:01,406 It's not gonna last. 370 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:03,408 It's been about eight months, 371 00:13:03,190 --> 00:13:03,190 I got a year left, 372 00:13:03,390 --> 00:13:03,390 and then I'm back 373 00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:06,035 to being just like you. 374 00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:06,936 But for now, yeah, 375 00:13:07,136 --> 00:13:07,995 it's pretty good. 376 00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:10,123 So... 377 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:12,584 I'm in a first-class seat, 378 00:13:12,426 --> 00:13:12,426 and first class 379 00:13:12,626 --> 00:13:16,337 is so crazily better. 380 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,381 It's so much better. 381 00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:20,174 You get a bigger seat, 382 00:13:20,374 --> 00:13:20,374 you get food. 383 00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:58,988 It's... They fly on 384 00:13:59,188 --> 00:13:59,605 a shitty airline. 385 00:13:59,805 --> 00:14:00,223 You think they get 386 00:14:00,423 --> 00:14:02,008 to go in a cool green plane 387 00:14:02,049 --> 00:14:03,050 with a red light. 388 00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,469 Go, go, go! 389 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,387 No, they just go to Delta 390 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:10,933 and they just wait in line 391 00:14:10,775 --> 00:14:10,775 to go to a war! 392 00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,977 And they always fly coach. 393 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,062 I've never seen a soldier in 394 00:14:15,262 --> 00:14:15,262 first class in my life. 395 00:14:14,904 --> 00:14:14,904 It could be 396 00:14:15,104 --> 00:14:16,897 a full bird colonel, 397 00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:19,818 he's between two fat guys 398 00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:19,659 in coach. 399 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,361 And they're always nice. 400 00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:22,737 I've never seen a soldier 401 00:14:22,937 --> 00:14:23,325 get on a plane like, 402 00:14:23,525 --> 00:14:24,113 "Yeah, I'm in the army. 403 00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:27,742 Fuck you... I have a gun!" 404 00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:29,018 They're always like, "Yes, sir," 405 00:14:29,218 --> 00:14:30,453 "Thank you very much, ma'am." 406 00:14:30,295 --> 00:14:30,295 It's like having 407 00:14:30,495 --> 00:14:32,205 an extra flight attendant 408 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,290 to help everybody put 409 00:14:34,490 --> 00:14:35,462 their shit up. 410 00:14:35,662 --> 00:14:36,835 They're awesome. 411 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:37,756 And every time that I see 412 00:14:37,956 --> 00:14:38,837 a soldier on a plane, 413 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:39,987 I always think, you know what, 414 00:14:40,187 --> 00:14:41,297 I should give him my seat. 415 00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:43,216 It would be the right thing 416 00:14:43,057 --> 00:14:43,057 to do, 417 00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:44,137 it would be easy to do and 418 00:14:44,337 --> 00:14:45,218 it would mean a lot to him. 419 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,886 I could go up to him, 420 00:14:46,727 --> 00:14:46,727 "Hey, son"... 421 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,221 I get to call him son... 422 00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,288 "Hey son, go ahead 423 00:14:49,488 --> 00:14:50,515 and take my seat." 424 00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:51,974 Because I'm in first class why? 425 00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:56,103 For being a professional 426 00:14:55,745 --> 00:14:55,745 asshole. 427 00:14:55,945 --> 00:14:55,945 I'm in first class 428 00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:58,398 because I talk about babies 429 00:14:58,439 --> 00:14:59,607 with big dicks. 430 00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:03,778 That's what got me my seat. 431 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:07,407 This guy is giving his life for 432 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:09,121 the country, he thinks. 433 00:15:09,321 --> 00:15:11,035 And so he has to sit... 434 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,353 But that's good enough, 435 00:15:12,553 --> 00:15:13,830 that's good enough! 436 00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,790 The fact that he thinks it. 437 00:15:15,832 --> 00:15:17,642 I'm serious. 438 00:15:17,842 --> 00:15:17,842 He's fucking told by 439 00:15:18,042 --> 00:15:20,253 everybody in his life system 440 00:15:20,294 --> 00:15:22,129 that that's a great thing to do 441 00:15:22,329 --> 00:15:22,884 and he's doing it 442 00:15:23,084 --> 00:15:23,362 and it's scary 443 00:15:23,562 --> 00:15:23,840 but he's doing it 444 00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:25,466 and he's sitting in this 445 00:15:25,308 --> 00:15:25,308 shitty seat, 446 00:15:25,508 --> 00:15:26,509 and I should trade with him. 447 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:27,968 I never have. 448 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,220 Let me make that clear. 449 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:30,722 I've never done it once. 450 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:31,748 I've had so many 451 00:15:31,948 --> 00:15:32,932 opportunities. 452 00:15:32,973 --> 00:15:34,395 I never even really 453 00:15:34,595 --> 00:15:36,018 seriously came close. 454 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,812 And here's the worst part: 455 00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:41,441 I still just enjoyed 456 00:15:41,282 --> 00:15:41,282 the fantasy 457 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:44,652 for myself to enjoy. 458 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,533 I was actually 459 00:15:46,733 --> 00:15:48,573 proud of myself 460 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,325 for having thought of it. 461 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:54,120 I was proud. 462 00:15:54,161 --> 00:15:57,624 Oh, I am such a sweet man. 463 00:15:57,665 --> 00:15:59,112 That is so nice of me. 464 00:15:59,312 --> 00:16:00,760 To think of doing that 465 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,963 and then totally never do it. 466 00:16:08,008 --> 00:16:10,344 At least you should be good 467 00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:10,186 just to the people, 468 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,309 just turn a good face to the 469 00:16:12,509 --> 00:16:14,432 people that you see in life. 470 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,601 I don't do that either. 471 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,060 Because when I get... 472 00:16:18,102 --> 00:16:19,562 Like I get in the elevator 473 00:16:19,344 --> 00:16:19,344 of my building, 474 00:16:19,544 --> 00:16:19,544 that's my first 475 00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,481 contact with human beings 476 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:25,902 always after being home and just 477 00:16:26,102 --> 00:16:26,102 being disgusting for hours. 478 00:16:26,302 --> 00:16:27,107 Then I come out 479 00:16:27,307 --> 00:16:28,112 in the elevator 480 00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:28,888 and there's always a guy 481 00:16:29,088 --> 00:16:29,823 in my elevator who's nice, 482 00:16:29,864 --> 00:16:31,825 and I hate it. 483 00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:34,744 I get really upset when people 484 00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:35,749 say nice things to me. 485 00:16:35,949 --> 00:16:36,955 That's not a good impulse. 486 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:37,667 I get in the elevator and 487 00:16:37,867 --> 00:16:38,539 there's always this one guy 488 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:39,958 who just, he sticks his face 489 00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:40,733 right in the front of his 490 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:41,668 fucking head, and he... 491 00:16:41,709 --> 00:16:43,461 "Hi." 492 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,466 Like he just floats it out there 493 00:16:44,666 --> 00:16:45,630 like a big balloon, you know? 494 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,214 "Hey, how's it going?" 495 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:49,091 Ew. 496 00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:50,969 I get upset, I get cagey. 497 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:51,828 I get this weird impulse that 498 00:16:52,028 --> 00:16:52,846 I want to come on his face. 499 00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:53,684 I don't know why 500 00:16:53,884 --> 00:16:54,681 that's the thing, 501 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:55,477 but that's what 502 00:16:55,677 --> 00:16:56,432 I think about, 503 00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,810 is that I wish I could just 504 00:16:58,652 --> 00:16:58,652 secrete come 505 00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,687 without the sexual workup, 506 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,755 like, as a defense you know, 507 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,983 like, a squid or a skunk. 508 00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:04,824 Not sexually, 509 00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:07,026 I mean aggressively. 510 00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:10,864 "Hi!" 511 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:13,658 "Jesus, man. 512 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,409 You just came in my eye." 513 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,623 I just want to go downstairs, 514 00:17:20,823 --> 00:17:20,823 I don't want to talk. 515 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:27,133 All right, this is going 516 00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:28,172 a little off the rails. 517 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,884 I don't remember what I was... 518 00:17:30,925 --> 00:17:32,760 trying to say. 519 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,078 I would like to be 520 00:17:34,278 --> 00:17:35,555 a better person. 521 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,892 I would. 522 00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:39,896 I would like to be 523 00:17:40,096 --> 00:17:40,398 a better person 524 00:17:40,598 --> 00:17:40,901 and I think 525 00:17:41,101 --> 00:17:43,270 I'm getting worse as a person, 526 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:44,234 because as you get older, 527 00:17:44,434 --> 00:17:45,356 you start finding out... 528 00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,274 Like, let me give you an example 529 00:17:47,116 --> 00:17:47,116 before I... 530 00:17:47,316 --> 00:17:48,759 I rented a car a couple 531 00:17:48,959 --> 00:17:50,403 weeks ago in Los Angeles. 532 00:17:50,444 --> 00:17:51,699 Had the car for a few days 533 00:17:51,899 --> 00:17:53,155 and then when I went home, 534 00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:54,181 I had to drop the car 535 00:17:54,381 --> 00:17:55,366 at the rental place. 536 00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:56,826 You know, you gotta go to 537 00:17:56,668 --> 00:17:56,668 the rental place 538 00:17:56,868 --> 00:17:58,578 that's off the airport. 539 00:17:58,619 --> 00:17:59,520 Give them the car, give them 540 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:00,621 your thing with the mileage. 541 00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:02,164 You gotta get on a bus 542 00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:03,541 and then go to your terminal 543 00:18:03,741 --> 00:18:04,192 and check in. 544 00:18:04,392 --> 00:18:05,043 I was late. 545 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,460 And I was worried about 546 00:18:06,242 --> 00:18:06,242 missing my flight, 547 00:18:06,442 --> 00:18:06,442 so I knew I had no 548 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,671 time to do any of that, 549 00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,130 so I never did this before... 550 00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:13,051 I just drove my car right 551 00:18:12,892 --> 00:18:12,892 to the terminal 552 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:16,012 and just left it there. 553 00:18:16,054 --> 00:18:19,432 And I got on the plane. 554 00:18:19,473 --> 00:18:21,183 And once I was on the plane and 555 00:18:21,383 --> 00:18:22,001 I had a little moment, 556 00:18:22,201 --> 00:18:23,019 I called Hertz and I said, 557 00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:25,897 "Hey listen, your car is sitting 558 00:18:26,097 --> 00:18:27,840 out in front of terminal 4, 559 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:28,912 and the keys are in it, 560 00:18:29,112 --> 00:18:29,984 so that's where it is." 561 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:31,198 And the guy's like, 562 00:18:31,398 --> 00:18:32,570 "You can't do that. 563 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,448 You have to return it to this 564 00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:35,648 location and then..." 565 00:18:35,289 --> 00:18:35,289 And I go, "Well, 566 00:18:35,489 --> 00:18:38,701 I didn't do that already, 567 00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:41,746 "and now I'm leaving 568 00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:41,588 California. 569 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,289 "So if you want your car, 570 00:18:43,330 --> 00:18:46,166 you need to go to that place 571 00:18:46,366 --> 00:18:47,255 where it is." 572 00:18:47,455 --> 00:18:47,899 And he was like, 573 00:18:48,099 --> 00:18:48,544 "Oh Jesus, man. 574 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,839 All right, we'll get it." 575 00:18:51,681 --> 00:18:51,681 And he... 576 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:54,133 That was the end of it! 577 00:18:57,929 --> 00:19:02,809 And I realized I could do this 578 00:19:02,650 --> 00:19:02,650 every time! 579 00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,852 Every time I rented a car, 580 00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:07,313 because of course they want you 581 00:19:07,094 --> 00:19:07,094 to do all that shit, 582 00:19:07,294 --> 00:19:07,294 but if you don't, 583 00:19:07,354 --> 00:19:10,817 they still want the car back. 584 00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:13,486 They're gonna send a dude. 585 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,449 You could drive a car 586 00:19:14,649 --> 00:19:15,571 'til you don't want it 587 00:19:15,613 --> 00:19:17,035 and just get out of it while 588 00:19:17,235 --> 00:19:18,658 it's moving and just walk away. 589 00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:22,787 Well, I don't feel like being in 590 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:22,629 that car any longer. 591 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,063 Just call Hertz, "Your car is 592 00:19:24,263 --> 00:19:25,498 drifting into the intersection 593 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:27,483 "of 28th and Broadway, 594 00:19:27,683 --> 00:19:29,627 if you're interested, 595 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:33,172 it's now your problem." 596 00:19:33,013 --> 00:19:33,013 But see, this is 597 00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:35,967 a terrible realization, 598 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,052 because you should 599 00:19:37,894 --> 00:19:37,894 act in a way 600 00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:38,807 that if everybody 601 00:19:39,007 --> 00:19:39,720 acted that way, 602 00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:41,472 things would work out. 603 00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:44,976 Because it would be mayhem if 604 00:19:45,176 --> 00:19:45,176 everybody was like that. 605 00:19:45,376 --> 00:19:46,306 And most people 606 00:19:46,506 --> 00:19:47,436 kind of don't care. 607 00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:49,022 Most people are very selfish. 608 00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:51,774 Most people don't give a shit 609 00:19:51,416 --> 00:19:51,416 what happens 610 00:19:51,616 --> 00:19:51,616 as long as they get 611 00:19:51,816 --> 00:19:55,235 to do their favorite thing. 612 00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:56,866 People don't even want to back 613 00:19:57,066 --> 00:19:58,656 off from their favorite thing. 614 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,057 They won't even do their 615 00:20:00,257 --> 00:20:01,617 second-favorite thing. 616 00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:03,202 Like, you ever seen somebody 617 00:20:03,043 --> 00:20:03,043 in traffic... 618 00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:04,686 They're at an intersection 619 00:20:04,886 --> 00:20:06,330 and they want to make a left, 620 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:07,293 but they're in the right, 621 00:20:07,493 --> 00:20:08,415 all the way right lane 622 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:11,878 because they messed up. 623 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:14,755 So now, okay, here's the guy, 624 00:20:14,955 --> 00:20:14,955 he's in the right lane 625 00:20:14,597 --> 00:20:14,597 and there's a lot 626 00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,050 of cars, like Sixth Avenue. 627 00:20:17,091 --> 00:20:20,011 Like a lot of cars and he wants 628 00:20:20,211 --> 00:20:20,557 to make that left. 629 00:20:20,757 --> 00:20:21,303 So what does he do? 630 00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:23,222 He just does it anyway, 631 00:20:23,063 --> 00:20:23,063 he just goes ahead 632 00:20:23,263 --> 00:20:27,101 and he just shoves his car 633 00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:30,354 through everybody's life 634 00:20:30,196 --> 00:20:30,196 without any... 635 00:20:30,396 --> 00:20:31,547 and everybody's "beep," 636 00:20:31,747 --> 00:20:32,899 honking and outraged 637 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:37,070 and you always see the guy go, 638 00:20:36,911 --> 00:20:36,911 "I have to, I have to! 639 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:42,825 "There's no other possible thing 640 00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:42,467 I could do! 641 00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:42,667 "What else could I do 642 00:20:42,867 --> 00:20:47,038 except go up one more block 643 00:20:46,880 --> 00:20:46,880 "and then go left 644 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:51,167 and take four seconds? 645 00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:55,088 "That's not my favorite way, 646 00:20:54,729 --> 00:20:54,729 though! 647 00:20:54,929 --> 00:20:54,929 That only meets 648 00:20:55,129 --> 00:20:58,465 99% of my criteria!" 649 00:21:02,302 --> 00:21:05,639 But I'm selfish. 650 00:21:05,681 --> 00:21:07,228 I would like to be a better 651 00:21:07,428 --> 00:21:08,976 person, 'cause I got kids, 652 00:21:09,018 --> 00:21:10,106 and I want, you know, 653 00:21:10,306 --> 00:21:11,395 to pass on a better... 654 00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:12,922 But sometimes it's not clear 655 00:21:13,122 --> 00:21:14,607 what the right thing is to do, 656 00:21:14,448 --> 00:21:14,448 like, one time I threw 657 00:21:14,648 --> 00:21:17,985 a candy wrapper on the street. 658 00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:21,239 And I didn't do it like, 659 00:21:20,880 --> 00:21:20,880 "Yeah!" 660 00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:21,080 I just... "Yeah, 661 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:26,410 take that shit, street." 662 00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:29,247 I did it because I was, 663 00:21:29,447 --> 00:21:29,918 you know, shaking, 664 00:21:30,118 --> 00:21:30,790 I wanted the candy. 665 00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:41,175 Anyway, I was with a friend 666 00:21:41,375 --> 00:21:41,867 who said to me, 667 00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:42,313 "You just littered 668 00:21:42,458 --> 00:21:42,513 on the street, 669 00:21:42,602 --> 00:21:42,658 don't you care 670 00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:45,138 about the environment?" 671 00:21:45,179 --> 00:21:45,746 And I thought about it, 672 00:21:45,946 --> 00:21:46,513 I said, "You know what? 673 00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:48,933 "This isn't the environment. 674 00:21:48,975 --> 00:21:51,060 "This is New York City. 675 00:21:51,102 --> 00:21:52,065 "This is not 676 00:21:52,265 --> 00:21:53,229 the environment. 677 00:21:53,271 --> 00:21:56,065 This is where people live." 678 00:21:56,107 --> 00:21:56,653 New York City is not 679 00:21:56,853 --> 00:21:56,947 the environment. 680 00:21:57,147 --> 00:21:57,241 New York City 681 00:21:57,441 --> 00:22:00,111 is a giant piece of litter. 682 00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:02,071 It's like the giantest... 683 00:22:01,913 --> 00:22:01,913 next to Mexico City, 684 00:22:02,113 --> 00:22:05,741 the shittiest piece of litter 685 00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:07,660 in the world. 686 00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:10,354 Just a pussy, runny, smoking, 687 00:22:10,554 --> 00:22:13,207 stinking piece of litter. 688 00:22:13,049 --> 00:22:13,049 So if you 689 00:22:13,249 --> 00:22:14,792 have a piece of litter, 690 00:22:14,834 --> 00:22:16,376 what are you supposed 691 00:22:16,218 --> 00:22:16,218 to do with it? 692 00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:17,381 You should throw it 693 00:22:17,581 --> 00:22:18,545 in the pile of litter! 694 00:22:18,587 --> 00:22:20,006 Because if you don't, 695 00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:22,341 if you put it in a receptacle, 696 00:22:22,541 --> 00:22:22,541 then it gets collected. 697 00:22:22,182 --> 00:22:22,182 And it gets taken 698 00:22:22,382 --> 00:22:24,260 to a dump and a landfill 699 00:22:24,302 --> 00:22:26,512 and it goes on a boat 700 00:22:26,353 --> 00:22:26,353 and it goes out 701 00:22:26,553 --> 00:22:28,430 and gets dumped in the ocean 702 00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:30,666 and some dolphin wears it as 703 00:22:30,866 --> 00:22:33,060 a hat on its face for ten years, 704 00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:36,981 this hat that never dissolves, 705 00:22:37,181 --> 00:22:37,181 on its face. 706 00:22:37,381 --> 00:22:39,859 Ugh. 707 00:22:39,900 --> 00:22:43,070 Jesus. 708 00:22:51,662 --> 00:22:53,480 I mean, everything that 709 00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,499 we introduce to the world 710 00:22:55,541 --> 00:22:57,335 is shitty. 711 00:22:57,375 --> 00:22:58,919 Meaning white people. 712 00:22:58,961 --> 00:23:01,714 Because... 713 00:23:01,755 --> 00:23:04,591 I really think that white people 714 00:23:04,373 --> 00:23:04,373 are from another planet. 715 00:23:04,573 --> 00:23:04,573 Because when we came 716 00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:08,637 to America, it was so nice. 717 00:23:08,679 --> 00:23:11,224 It was just Indians... 718 00:23:11,065 --> 00:23:11,065 and they 719 00:23:11,265 --> 00:23:13,267 weren't even Indians! 720 00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:16,312 We called them that 721 00:23:16,154 --> 00:23:16,154 by accident 722 00:23:16,354 --> 00:23:20,233 and we still call them that! 723 00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:21,842 Like we knew in a month 724 00:23:22,042 --> 00:23:23,610 that it wasn't Indians, 725 00:23:23,652 --> 00:23:26,572 but we just don't give a shit. 726 00:23:26,613 --> 00:23:30,117 We never correct it. 727 00:23:30,159 --> 00:23:31,869 We came here, they were like 728 00:23:31,711 --> 00:23:31,711 "Hi," and we were like, 729 00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:34,038 "Hey, you're Indians, right?" 730 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:36,707 And they're like, "No." 731 00:23:36,749 --> 00:23:38,625 "No, this is India, 732 00:23:38,267 --> 00:23:38,267 right?" 733 00:23:38,467 --> 00:23:38,467 "No, it's not, 734 00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:41,337 it's totally another place." 735 00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:43,005 "You're not Indians?" 736 00:23:43,047 --> 00:23:44,422 "No." 737 00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,424 "Ah, you're Indians." 738 00:23:50,104 --> 00:23:50,104 You're Indians for 739 00:23:50,304 --> 00:23:52,472 hundreds of years after. 740 00:23:57,144 --> 00:23:58,478 We ruined everything here. 741 00:23:58,520 --> 00:23:59,980 This was the great... 742 00:24:00,022 --> 00:24:01,361 It was just coast to coast, 743 00:24:01,561 --> 00:24:02,900 green, brown and beautiful. 744 00:24:02,942 --> 00:24:05,903 And all the humans were just 745 00:24:05,745 --> 00:24:05,745 walking around 746 00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:08,364 with painted faces just walking, 747 00:24:08,406 --> 00:24:09,431 and they'd be like, 748 00:24:09,631 --> 00:24:10,657 "Oh, that looks yummy," 749 00:24:10,699 --> 00:24:12,659 and they would just eat 750 00:24:12,859 --> 00:24:13,706 from the ground 751 00:24:13,906 --> 00:24:14,330 and then they'd 752 00:24:14,530 --> 00:24:14,954 sleep on the grass, 753 00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:15,771 and they'd wake up 754 00:24:15,971 --> 00:24:16,389 and they'd fuck 755 00:24:16,589 --> 00:24:16,589 and then they'd go for 756 00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:19,875 a swim and do a little dance. 757 00:24:19,917 --> 00:24:22,715 That was the whole continent, 758 00:24:22,915 --> 00:24:25,714 was just folks doing that. 759 00:24:25,756 --> 00:24:26,657 I mean, there was people in 760 00:24:26,857 --> 00:24:27,758 Mexico cutting off kids' heads 761 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:28,805 and rolling them down 762 00:24:29,005 --> 00:24:30,010 the pyramid stairs, 763 00:24:30,052 --> 00:24:33,222 but that's, I mean... 764 00:24:33,264 --> 00:24:36,809 that's always going on, 765 00:24:36,590 --> 00:24:36,590 you can't... 766 00:24:36,790 --> 00:24:36,790 You can't do 767 00:24:36,850 --> 00:24:39,477 a whole lot about that. 768 00:24:43,816 --> 00:24:45,651 But I think we came from 769 00:24:45,492 --> 00:24:45,492 another planet, 770 00:24:45,692 --> 00:24:46,864 and the reason is because 771 00:24:47,064 --> 00:24:48,237 we don't like it here. 772 00:24:48,079 --> 00:24:48,079 I mean why, 773 00:24:48,279 --> 00:24:49,989 if we're from here, 774 00:24:50,030 --> 00:24:51,573 if we belong on Earth, 775 00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:57,371 why aren't we comfortable on 776 00:24:57,013 --> 00:24:57,013 Earth at all? 777 00:24:57,213 --> 00:24:57,213 We need nice, smooth 778 00:24:57,413 --> 00:25:00,582 surfaces and right angles 779 00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:02,293 and we need it to be cool, 780 00:25:02,335 --> 00:25:07,673 not too much, just a little, 781 00:25:07,514 --> 00:25:07,514 just perfect! 782 00:25:07,714 --> 00:25:08,740 Like why when it's hot, 783 00:25:08,940 --> 00:25:09,967 why wouldn't we just... 784 00:25:10,009 --> 00:25:11,260 Yeah, fuck it! 785 00:25:11,302 --> 00:25:13,078 Why wouldn't we be like 786 00:25:13,278 --> 00:25:15,055 that if we belonged here? 787 00:25:15,097 --> 00:25:18,058 And it's weird because people, 788 00:25:18,258 --> 00:25:18,834 people that aren't, 789 00:25:19,034 --> 00:25:19,810 whatever you call the, 790 00:25:19,652 --> 00:25:19,652 you know, 791 00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:21,312 there's environmentalists 792 00:25:21,354 --> 00:25:22,813 and then there's people 793 00:25:23,013 --> 00:25:24,298 who are whatever. 794 00:25:24,498 --> 00:25:25,140 They just hate 795 00:25:25,340 --> 00:25:25,983 environmentalists. 796 00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:28,068 But that's the thing, people get 797 00:25:28,268 --> 00:25:29,115 angry at environmentalists 798 00:25:29,315 --> 00:25:29,739 because they think they're 799 00:25:29,939 --> 00:25:30,363 slowing down the economy 800 00:25:30,404 --> 00:25:31,989 and creating restrictions, 801 00:25:32,031 --> 00:25:33,699 and a lot of these people 802 00:25:33,340 --> 00:25:33,340 are Christian. 803 00:25:33,540 --> 00:25:33,540 A lot of these people 804 00:25:33,740 --> 00:25:35,575 are very devout Christians. 805 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:37,661 And that's such a confusing 806 00:25:37,303 --> 00:25:37,303 thing to me, 807 00:25:37,503 --> 00:25:37,503 that if you believe 808 00:25:37,703 --> 00:25:41,415 that God gave you the Earth, 809 00:25:41,457 --> 00:25:44,335 that God created the Earth 810 00:25:43,977 --> 00:25:43,977 for you, 811 00:25:44,177 --> 00:25:44,177 why would you not 812 00:25:44,377 --> 00:25:47,963 have to look after it? 813 00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:49,673 Why the fuck... 814 00:25:49,715 --> 00:25:51,800 Why would you not think that 815 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,994 when he came back 816 00:25:54,194 --> 00:25:55,191 he wouldn't go, "What 817 00:25:55,391 --> 00:25:55,710 the fuck did you do? 818 00:25:55,910 --> 00:25:56,230 "I gave this to you, 819 00:25:56,430 --> 00:26:00,851 motherfucker, are you crazy? 820 00:26:00,893 --> 00:26:02,853 "The polar bears are brown! 821 00:26:02,895 --> 00:26:04,355 "What did you... 822 00:26:04,397 --> 00:26:05,965 "What did you do 823 00:26:06,165 --> 00:26:07,733 to the polar bears? 824 00:26:07,774 --> 00:26:11,487 "Did you shit all over every 825 00:26:11,687 --> 00:26:12,221 polar bear? 826 00:26:12,421 --> 00:26:13,155 "Who did this? 827 00:26:13,197 --> 00:26:14,240 "Who spilled this shit? 828 00:26:14,281 --> 00:26:16,242 "Who spilled this? 829 00:26:16,283 --> 00:26:18,118 "Come over, did you fucking 830 00:26:18,318 --> 00:26:18,810 spill this? 831 00:26:19,010 --> 00:26:19,703 What is that?" 832 00:26:19,745 --> 00:26:20,871 "It's oil. 833 00:26:20,913 --> 00:26:22,456 "It's just some oil. 834 00:26:22,498 --> 00:26:23,916 I didn't mean to spill it." 835 00:26:23,957 --> 00:26:27,669 "Well, why did you take it out 836 00:26:27,869 --> 00:26:27,869 of the fucking ground?" 837 00:26:28,069 --> 00:26:29,354 "Because I wanted 838 00:26:29,554 --> 00:26:30,839 to go faster. 839 00:26:30,881 --> 00:26:34,427 I'm not fast enough... 840 00:26:34,468 --> 00:26:36,220 and I was cold." 841 00:26:36,262 --> 00:26:38,389 "What the fuck do you 842 00:26:38,231 --> 00:26:38,231 mean cold? 843 00:26:38,431 --> 00:26:40,666 I gave you everything you 844 00:26:40,866 --> 00:26:43,102 needed, you piece of shit!" 845 00:26:43,143 --> 00:26:47,022 "Well, because jobs and... 846 00:26:47,222 --> 00:26:47,818 I wanted..." 847 00:26:48,018 --> 00:26:48,815 "What is a job? 848 00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:50,425 What is... Explain to me 849 00:26:50,625 --> 00:26:52,194 what's a fucking job." 850 00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:54,780 "Like, you work at a place 851 00:26:54,621 --> 00:26:54,621 and people call 852 00:26:54,821 --> 00:26:56,681 when their game doesn't work and 853 00:26:56,881 --> 00:26:58,742 you help them figure it out." 854 00:26:58,784 --> 00:27:00,411 "What do you do that for?" 855 00:27:00,453 --> 00:27:01,537 "For money." 856 00:27:01,579 --> 00:27:03,372 "What do you need money for?" 857 00:27:03,414 --> 00:27:04,498 "Food." 858 00:27:04,540 --> 00:27:07,042 "Just eat the shit 859 00:27:06,824 --> 00:27:06,824 on the floor. 860 00:27:07,024 --> 00:27:07,024 "I left shit 861 00:27:07,084 --> 00:27:10,337 all over the floor. 862 00:27:10,379 --> 00:27:11,964 "Fucking corn and wheat 863 00:27:11,605 --> 00:27:11,605 and shit. 864 00:27:11,805 --> 00:27:13,244 Ground it up, make some 865 00:27:13,444 --> 00:27:14,883 bread, what are you doing?" 866 00:27:14,925 --> 00:27:17,219 "Yeah, but it doesn't have, 867 00:27:17,001 --> 00:27:17,001 like, bacon around it 868 00:27:17,201 --> 00:27:17,201 and like, I like when 869 00:27:17,261 --> 00:27:21,639 it has, like, bacon on it." 870 00:27:27,645 --> 00:27:28,484 I watched somebody do that 871 00:27:28,684 --> 00:27:29,523 the other day after a meal. 872 00:27:29,365 --> 00:27:29,365 They went, 873 00:27:29,565 --> 00:27:30,983 "Oh, it was just mwah!" 874 00:27:31,024 --> 00:27:34,027 Mwah! 875 00:27:34,069 --> 00:27:34,761 And I started wondering, 876 00:27:34,961 --> 00:27:35,653 what does that mean, 877 00:27:35,695 --> 00:27:38,115 what does that signify, "Mwah." 878 00:27:38,157 --> 00:27:39,370 I think what it means is that 879 00:27:39,570 --> 00:27:40,784 you ate something so delicious 880 00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:44,371 that you then kissed somebody 881 00:27:44,213 --> 00:27:44,213 on the asshole 882 00:27:44,413 --> 00:27:46,123 and their asshole exploded. 883 00:27:53,713 --> 00:27:56,216 That's some good eating. 884 00:27:56,258 --> 00:27:58,594 That's a nice sauce. 885 00:27:58,636 --> 00:27:59,470 Is that good? 886 00:27:59,512 --> 00:28:01,013 Yeah, let me show you. 887 00:28:02,181 --> 00:28:04,308 Shit. 888 00:28:04,350 --> 00:28:06,684 Let me have some of that. 889 00:28:06,726 --> 00:28:08,686 That just destroyed 890 00:28:08,886 --> 00:28:08,886 my anus. 891 00:28:12,274 --> 00:28:15,235 Anyway, I got kids and um, 892 00:28:15,077 --> 00:28:15,077 sort of what 893 00:28:15,277 --> 00:28:18,614 I'm trying to say. 894 00:28:18,656 --> 00:28:21,617 It's hard having kids because 895 00:28:21,817 --> 00:28:21,817 it's boring. 896 00:28:24,711 --> 00:28:24,711 That really is the 897 00:28:24,911 --> 00:28:27,247 hardest part of having kids. 898 00:28:27,089 --> 00:28:27,089 Ask any parent, 899 00:28:27,289 --> 00:28:29,124 what's the hard part? 900 00:28:29,166 --> 00:28:30,917 Is it looking after their 901 00:28:30,559 --> 00:28:30,559 healthcare? 902 00:28:30,759 --> 00:28:30,759 Is it making sure 903 00:28:30,959 --> 00:28:32,752 that their education... 904 00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:35,839 No, it's just being with them 905 00:28:35,681 --> 00:28:35,681 on the floor 906 00:28:35,881 --> 00:28:38,967 while they be children. 907 00:28:39,009 --> 00:28:41,554 It's just... 908 00:28:41,595 --> 00:28:43,121 They read "Clifford 909 00:28:43,321 --> 00:28:44,848 the Big Red Dog" to you 910 00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,416 at a rate of 50 911 00:28:46,616 --> 00:28:48,143 minutes a page. 912 00:28:48,185 --> 00:28:50,020 And you have to sit there 913 00:28:50,062 --> 00:28:55,067 and be horribly proud and bored 914 00:28:55,267 --> 00:28:55,267 at the same time. 915 00:28:54,908 --> 00:28:54,908 I hate 916 00:28:55,108 --> 00:28:57,903 Clifford the Big Red Dog. 917 00:28:57,944 --> 00:28:59,488 I hate him. 918 00:28:59,530 --> 00:29:00,681 There's 50 books about 919 00:29:00,881 --> 00:29:02,032 Clifford the Big Red Dog. 920 00:29:02,074 --> 00:29:03,158 50 books. 921 00:29:03,200 --> 00:29:05,035 There's seven books 922 00:29:04,877 --> 00:29:04,877 about Narnia 923 00:29:05,077 --> 00:29:07,746 that cover the birth and death 924 00:29:07,587 --> 00:29:07,587 of a nation, 925 00:29:07,787 --> 00:29:10,127 and mice with swords 926 00:29:10,327 --> 00:29:12,668 and a lion who's a god. 927 00:29:12,710 --> 00:29:15,588 They did it in seven books. 928 00:29:15,629 --> 00:29:18,716 50 books about Clifford 929 00:29:18,916 --> 00:29:19,700 the Big Red Dog. 930 00:29:19,900 --> 00:29:20,292 And they all tell 931 00:29:20,492 --> 00:29:20,884 the exact same story. 932 00:29:20,926 --> 00:29:23,803 Look how big this dog is. 933 00:29:23,845 --> 00:29:27,057 That's it. 934 00:29:27,099 --> 00:29:29,309 Look how big this dog is. 935 00:29:29,351 --> 00:29:32,271 It's the whole book. 936 00:29:32,312 --> 00:29:33,943 Here's how big he was 937 00:29:34,143 --> 00:29:34,779 at the firehouse. 938 00:29:34,979 --> 00:29:35,615 Here's how big 939 00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:38,818 he was at Thanksgiving. 940 00:29:38,860 --> 00:29:39,986 Who gives a shit? 941 00:29:40,028 --> 00:29:41,350 You just drew him big. 942 00:29:41,550 --> 00:29:42,873 You just, on purpose, 943 00:29:43,073 --> 00:29:47,202 made him bigger than people. 944 00:29:47,244 --> 00:29:49,000 It should be "Look how big 945 00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:50,956 I drew the dog in this book. 946 00:29:50,997 --> 00:29:53,333 Isn't that a mistake?" 947 00:29:53,375 --> 00:29:55,419 There's no story. 948 00:29:55,461 --> 00:29:57,379 You maybe even just drew him 949 00:29:57,161 --> 00:29:57,161 closer to the page, 950 00:29:57,361 --> 00:29:57,361 I don't even know 951 00:29:57,421 --> 00:30:00,257 if you did it honestly. 952 00:30:00,299 --> 00:30:02,217 Tell a story about Clifford. 953 00:30:02,259 --> 00:30:04,056 Make something happen where 954 00:30:04,256 --> 00:30:06,054 maybe he steps on a policeman 955 00:30:06,096 --> 00:30:07,765 and shatters his spine 956 00:30:07,806 --> 00:30:08,999 and it's devastating 957 00:30:09,199 --> 00:30:09,616 to the community. 958 00:30:09,816 --> 00:30:10,234 He hangs on for 959 00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:13,520 two months and then dies, 960 00:30:13,562 --> 00:30:17,441 and there's a whole, you know, 961 00:30:17,641 --> 00:30:18,467 funeral with bagpipes 962 00:30:18,667 --> 00:30:19,693 and everybody's crying. 963 00:30:19,735 --> 00:30:21,136 And Clifford gets 964 00:30:21,336 --> 00:30:22,738 the death penalty 965 00:30:22,780 --> 00:30:24,556 and there's a whole book 966 00:30:24,756 --> 00:30:26,533 about his appeal process 967 00:30:26,575 --> 00:30:28,622 and how he found Jesus, but 968 00:30:28,822 --> 00:30:30,870 everybody said it was bullshit 969 00:30:30,912 --> 00:30:33,293 and the cop's wife was like, 970 00:30:33,493 --> 00:30:35,875 "I want that dog dead!" 971 00:30:35,917 --> 00:30:37,795 And then he goes to the chair 972 00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:39,838 and they shave all his 973 00:30:39,619 --> 00:30:39,619 red fur off 974 00:30:39,819 --> 00:30:39,819 and now he's 975 00:30:39,879 --> 00:30:43,550 Clifford the Big Pink Dog. 976 00:30:46,136 --> 00:30:48,180 And they put him on a big, 977 00:30:48,380 --> 00:30:48,380 funny electric chair 978 00:30:48,021 --> 00:30:48,021 that the town 979 00:30:48,221 --> 00:30:49,848 got together and built. 980 00:30:53,852 --> 00:30:55,479 It's boring having kids. 981 00:30:55,521 --> 00:30:57,606 You gotta play kid games. 982 00:30:57,648 --> 00:30:58,236 You gotta play 983 00:30:58,436 --> 00:30:59,024 board games. 984 00:30:59,065 --> 00:31:00,900 Little kid board games 985 00:31:00,542 --> 00:31:00,542 where you... 986 00:31:00,742 --> 00:31:00,742 And you go, tick, 987 00:31:00,942 --> 00:31:02,944 tick, tick, tick, tick. 988 00:31:06,490 --> 00:31:09,785 You got a six, honey. 989 00:31:09,827 --> 00:31:12,162 "One... 990 00:31:12,204 --> 00:31:14,873 "two... 991 00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:15,833 three." 992 00:31:15,874 --> 00:31:16,733 It's just here, 993 00:31:16,933 --> 00:31:17,793 just go here. 994 00:31:17,835 --> 00:31:20,295 It's just... 995 00:31:20,337 --> 00:31:21,672 "Daddy, I'm learning." 996 00:31:21,714 --> 00:31:22,406 I know, you're gonna grow up 997 00:31:22,606 --> 00:31:23,298 stupid because I'm bored. 998 00:31:23,340 --> 00:31:24,908 I can't take it, baby, 999 00:31:25,108 --> 00:31:26,677 I can't, I can't watch it. 1000 00:31:26,719 --> 00:31:27,390 I'm bored more 1001 00:31:27,590 --> 00:31:28,261 than I love you. 1002 00:31:28,303 --> 00:31:30,138 I can't, I just... 1003 00:31:30,180 --> 00:31:32,098 Come on. 1004 00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:35,022 My girls are six 1005 00:31:35,222 --> 00:31:35,441 and nine now. 1006 00:31:35,641 --> 00:31:35,861 They're actually 1007 00:31:36,061 --> 00:31:37,771 a really exciting age, 1008 00:31:37,813 --> 00:31:40,232 because they're learning to do 1009 00:31:40,073 --> 00:31:40,073 some cool stuff. 1010 00:31:40,273 --> 00:31:41,441 I play Monopoly with my kids. 1011 00:31:41,483 --> 00:31:43,026 That's really fun. 1012 00:31:43,068 --> 00:31:45,779 My nine-year-old, she can 1013 00:31:45,421 --> 00:31:45,421 totally do Monopoly. 1014 00:31:45,621 --> 00:31:45,621 The six-year-old actually 1015 00:31:45,821 --> 00:31:48,448 totally gets how the game works, 1016 00:31:48,490 --> 00:31:52,118 but she's not emotionally 1017 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:51,960 developed enough 1018 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:54,750 to handle her inevitable loss 1019 00:31:54,950 --> 00:31:57,541 in every game of Monopoly 1020 00:31:57,583 --> 00:32:01,294 because a Monopoly loss 1021 00:32:01,494 --> 00:32:02,633 is dark. 1022 00:32:02,833 --> 00:32:04,172 It's heavy. 1023 00:32:04,214 --> 00:32:07,634 It's not like, when you lose at, 1024 00:32:07,834 --> 00:32:09,119 you know, Candyland, 1025 00:32:09,319 --> 00:32:09,961 "Oh, you got stuck in 1026 00:32:10,161 --> 00:32:10,804 the fudgy thing, baby. 1027 00:32:10,846 --> 00:32:13,432 "Oh well, you're in the gummy 1028 00:32:13,273 --> 00:32:13,273 twirly oh's 1029 00:32:13,473 --> 00:32:17,018 and you didn't get to win." 1030 00:32:17,060 --> 00:32:18,978 But when she loses 1031 00:32:18,820 --> 00:32:18,820 in Monopoly, 1032 00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:20,480 I gotta look at her little face 1033 00:32:20,322 --> 00:32:20,322 and I go, 1034 00:32:20,522 --> 00:32:21,902 Okay, so here's what's 1035 00:32:22,102 --> 00:32:23,483 gonna happen now, okay? 1036 00:32:23,525 --> 00:32:25,239 All your property, 1037 00:32:25,439 --> 00:32:27,153 everything you have, 1038 00:32:27,195 --> 00:32:31,241 the railroads, your houses, 1039 00:32:31,441 --> 00:32:32,517 all your money, 1040 00:32:32,717 --> 00:32:33,993 that's mine now. 1041 00:32:34,035 --> 00:32:35,746 You've got to give it 1042 00:32:35,946 --> 00:32:36,417 all to me. 1043 00:32:36,617 --> 00:32:37,289 Give it to me. 1044 00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:38,832 That's right. 1045 00:32:38,874 --> 00:32:41,000 And no, no, you can't play 1046 00:32:40,842 --> 00:32:40,842 anymore, see, 1047 00:32:41,042 --> 00:32:42,319 because even though you're 1048 00:32:42,519 --> 00:32:43,796 giving me all of that, 1049 00:32:43,837 --> 00:32:45,009 it doesn't even touch 1050 00:32:45,209 --> 00:32:46,381 how much you owe me. 1051 00:32:46,423 --> 00:32:49,968 Doesn't even touch it, baby. 1052 00:32:50,009 --> 00:32:51,261 You're going down hard. 1053 00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:53,931 It's really bad. 1054 00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:57,100 All you've been working 1055 00:32:56,942 --> 00:32:56,942 for all day, 1056 00:32:57,142 --> 00:32:59,728 I'm going to take it now 1057 00:32:59,770 --> 00:33:03,189 and I'm gonna use it to destroy 1058 00:33:03,031 --> 00:33:03,031 your sister. 1059 00:33:03,231 --> 00:33:07,068 I mean, I'm gonna ruin her. 1060 00:33:07,110 --> 00:33:09,988 It's just mayhem on this board 1061 00:33:10,188 --> 00:33:10,188 for her now. 1062 00:33:13,659 --> 00:33:15,243 When you have kids, 1063 00:33:15,285 --> 00:33:16,707 you also have to belong to 1064 00:33:16,907 --> 00:33:17,439 kid-and-parent culture. 1065 00:33:17,639 --> 00:33:18,171 You have to know a lot of 1066 00:33:18,371 --> 00:33:20,540 parents and a lot of other kids. 1067 00:33:20,582 --> 00:33:21,232 You have to hang out 1068 00:33:21,432 --> 00:33:21,578 with other kids. 1069 00:33:21,778 --> 00:33:21,925 Sometimes they're 1070 00:33:22,125 --> 00:33:23,961 not even kids you know. 1071 00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:26,505 Like when I go to parks with my 1072 00:33:26,705 --> 00:33:27,135 kids, I play with them. 1073 00:33:27,335 --> 00:33:27,965 I play with my kids. 1074 00:33:28,006 --> 00:33:29,633 Some people don't do that. 1075 00:33:29,675 --> 00:33:31,343 They neglect... They just take 1076 00:33:31,543 --> 00:33:31,543 their kids to the park 1077 00:33:31,184 --> 00:33:31,184 so they don't 1078 00:33:31,384 --> 00:33:33,011 have to talk to them. 1079 00:33:33,052 --> 00:33:36,598 And those kids kind of glom on 1080 00:33:36,440 --> 00:33:36,440 to our shit. 1081 00:33:36,640 --> 00:33:37,728 Like I'll be sitting at the park 1082 00:33:37,928 --> 00:33:39,017 playing a fun game with my kids 1083 00:33:39,058 --> 00:33:40,189 and then there's this woman at 1084 00:33:40,389 --> 00:33:41,520 a bench, she's got her phone, 1085 00:33:41,561 --> 00:33:43,814 she's staring at her phone 1086 00:33:44,014 --> 00:33:44,485 and her kid's like, 1087 00:33:44,685 --> 00:33:45,357 "Mommy, talk..." 1088 00:33:45,398 --> 00:33:47,359 "Leave me alone, I'm trying to 1089 00:33:47,559 --> 00:33:47,559 cheat on your father. 1090 00:33:47,759 --> 00:33:49,736 Stop it!" 1091 00:33:49,778 --> 00:33:52,280 And then the kid comes up to us, 1092 00:33:52,480 --> 00:33:52,480 "Can I be in your family?" 1093 00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:54,992 It's creepy. 1094 00:33:55,033 --> 00:33:56,869 One time I was at a swimming 1095 00:33:56,650 --> 00:33:56,650 pool with my kids, 1096 00:33:56,850 --> 00:33:56,850 a public pool, 1097 00:33:56,910 --> 00:33:59,746 and I had my daughter, 1098 00:33:59,788 --> 00:34:01,164 my six-year-old on my arm 1099 00:34:01,006 --> 00:34:01,006 like this. 1100 00:34:01,206 --> 00:34:03,041 She was, like, clamped on, 1101 00:34:03,241 --> 00:34:03,712 and she's kicking. 1102 00:34:03,912 --> 00:34:04,584 It was so much fun. 1103 00:34:04,626 --> 00:34:06,027 And then she got off and another 1104 00:34:06,227 --> 00:34:07,629 random child just clamped on. 1105 00:34:07,671 --> 00:34:09,381 Blech! 1106 00:34:09,422 --> 00:34:10,423 It's like a rat! 1107 00:34:10,465 --> 00:34:12,133 Get off of me! 1108 00:34:12,175 --> 00:34:13,468 "But I love you!" 1109 00:34:13,510 --> 00:34:14,636 I don't know you, kid. 1110 00:34:14,678 --> 00:34:16,054 Stop it. 1111 00:34:26,147 --> 00:34:29,108 I think that's kid's dead, 1112 00:34:28,950 --> 00:34:28,950 I don't know. 1113 00:34:29,150 --> 00:34:30,276 I don't know what happened. 1114 00:34:35,448 --> 00:34:37,329 Some kids in my kid's class, 1115 00:34:37,529 --> 00:34:39,411 I like some of those kids. 1116 00:34:39,452 --> 00:34:40,061 Some of those kids are cool, 1117 00:34:40,261 --> 00:34:40,871 they come over to my house, 1118 00:34:40,913 --> 00:34:42,664 they play with... 1119 00:34:42,506 --> 00:34:42,506 I like them. 1120 00:34:42,706 --> 00:34:44,041 Other kids I don't like. 1121 00:34:44,082 --> 00:34:45,751 Especially little boys. 1122 00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:47,627 Little boys in my kid's class, 1123 00:34:47,469 --> 00:34:47,469 I hate them. 1124 00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:49,588 I hate little boys. 1125 00:34:49,629 --> 00:34:51,089 I'm like the opposite 1126 00:34:51,289 --> 00:34:51,823 of a pedophile. 1127 00:34:52,023 --> 00:34:52,758 I just hate... 1128 00:34:56,386 --> 00:35:01,349 There's one kid in my daughter's 1129 00:35:01,549 --> 00:35:03,043 class who I hate so much. 1130 00:35:03,243 --> 00:35:04,937 And it's really fucked up 1131 00:35:04,778 --> 00:35:04,778 because I'm 44, 1132 00:35:04,978 --> 00:35:06,550 and I hate a six-year-old. 1133 00:35:06,750 --> 00:35:08,323 I mean, I hate him with 1134 00:35:08,523 --> 00:35:13,737 a grown-up, pre-occupying hate. 1135 00:35:13,779 --> 00:35:15,347 I've thought about him three 1136 00:35:15,547 --> 00:35:17,115 times since I came out here. 1137 00:35:17,156 --> 00:35:19,242 That's how much I really hate 1138 00:35:19,442 --> 00:35:19,442 this kid. 1139 00:35:25,582 --> 00:35:26,483 I'm gonna tell you about him, 1140 00:35:26,683 --> 00:35:27,584 and I have to make up a name 1141 00:35:27,626 --> 00:35:29,878 because he's a real child who 1142 00:35:29,720 --> 00:35:29,720 lives in this city, 1143 00:35:29,920 --> 00:35:32,213 so I have to make up a name 1144 00:35:32,255 --> 00:35:33,840 in order to tell the story 1145 00:35:33,682 --> 00:35:33,682 about him. 1146 00:35:33,882 --> 00:35:36,301 Um, his name, Jizzanthepuss. 1147 00:35:36,342 --> 00:35:38,344 Let's just call him 1148 00:35:38,544 --> 00:35:39,846 Jizzanthepuss. 1149 00:35:39,888 --> 00:35:42,724 Fine, okay. 1150 00:35:42,766 --> 00:35:46,311 He's in my daughter's class, 1151 00:35:46,511 --> 00:35:46,511 they're in first grade. 1152 00:35:46,711 --> 00:35:47,641 And when we take 1153 00:35:47,841 --> 00:35:48,772 our kids to class, 1154 00:35:48,814 --> 00:35:50,315 there's a little procedure. 1155 00:35:50,356 --> 00:35:51,215 You bring your kid to school 1156 00:35:51,415 --> 00:35:52,275 and they have their backpack 1157 00:35:52,117 --> 00:35:52,117 and their jacket 1158 00:35:52,317 --> 00:35:54,360 and they go to their cubby 1159 00:35:54,402 --> 00:35:55,303 and they take it all off and 1160 00:35:55,503 --> 00:35:56,404 they put it in the cubby 1161 00:35:56,446 --> 00:35:57,535 and then they take 1162 00:35:57,735 --> 00:35:58,100 their homework folder 1163 00:35:58,300 --> 00:35:58,665 and their lunchbox 1164 00:35:58,865 --> 00:36:01,159 and put them in the bins. 1165 00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:03,036 Those are their little 1166 00:36:02,818 --> 00:36:02,818 responsibilities, 1167 00:36:03,018 --> 00:36:03,018 you help them do it 1168 00:36:03,078 --> 00:36:05,204 so they'll blah-blah-blah. 1169 00:36:05,246 --> 00:36:09,626 But Jizzanthepuss... 1170 00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:10,198 when he comes in, 1171 00:36:10,398 --> 00:36:10,928 he doesn't do 1172 00:36:11,128 --> 00:36:13,964 none of that shit. 1173 00:36:14,006 --> 00:36:16,591 He just walks in and just sheds 1174 00:36:16,791 --> 00:36:16,791 it all, he just... 1175 00:36:25,433 --> 00:36:27,397 And his mom, his weak, 1176 00:36:27,597 --> 00:36:29,562 piece-of-shit mom, 1177 00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:30,884 picks it all up. 1178 00:36:31,084 --> 00:36:32,365 I hate his mother 1179 00:36:32,565 --> 00:36:36,528 because you hate a weak parent 1180 00:36:36,569 --> 00:36:38,279 when you're a parent, 1181 00:36:38,321 --> 00:36:40,323 because it's like you're raising 1182 00:36:40,523 --> 00:36:40,523 Hitler, motherfucker, 1183 00:36:40,723 --> 00:36:41,700 do your job! 1184 00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:44,494 Get in there! 1185 00:36:44,536 --> 00:36:47,873 If our parent group in our class 1186 00:36:48,073 --> 00:36:48,073 were a platoon of soldiers, 1187 00:36:47,714 --> 00:36:47,714 she'd be the one that 1188 00:36:47,914 --> 00:36:53,586 we put soap bars in socks and... 1189 00:36:53,628 --> 00:36:56,255 we'd frag that bitch 1190 00:36:56,037 --> 00:36:56,037 in her sleep. 1191 00:36:56,237 --> 00:36:56,237 She would wash 1192 00:36:56,297 --> 00:36:58,424 right the fuck out. 1193 00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:02,220 She wouldn't make it. 1194 00:37:02,261 --> 00:37:04,497 When Jizzanthepuss drops his 1195 00:37:04,697 --> 00:37:06,933 shit, this bitch picks it up, 1196 00:37:06,975 --> 00:37:07,380 she doesn't... 1197 00:37:07,580 --> 00:37:07,985 She just goes, 1198 00:37:08,185 --> 00:37:11,104 "Oh, Jizzanthepuss, 1199 00:37:11,146 --> 00:37:13,439 "he's just like a baby, 1200 00:37:13,281 --> 00:37:13,281 I'm just... 1201 00:37:13,481 --> 00:37:15,817 "I'll get it, though, 1202 00:37:15,859 --> 00:37:17,635 and then I'll put it all 1203 00:37:17,835 --> 00:37:19,612 in the bins for him." 1204 00:37:19,654 --> 00:37:20,492 And she puts it 1205 00:37:20,692 --> 00:37:21,531 all away for him, 1206 00:37:21,573 --> 00:37:23,662 which frees him up to punch 1207 00:37:23,862 --> 00:37:25,952 other kids in the face. 1208 00:37:25,994 --> 00:37:28,334 Because he's a shitty, 1209 00:37:28,534 --> 00:37:30,874 horrible, violent child. 1210 00:37:30,916 --> 00:37:32,692 One time I was at school, and I 1211 00:37:32,892 --> 00:37:34,669 was volunteering at recess. 1212 00:37:34,711 --> 00:37:36,091 It's something you do 1213 00:37:36,291 --> 00:37:37,672 if you're a good parent. 1214 00:37:37,714 --> 00:37:38,656 About once a month 1215 00:37:38,856 --> 00:37:39,148 or whatever it is, 1216 00:37:39,348 --> 00:37:39,641 you go to school 1217 00:37:39,841 --> 00:37:41,718 and you just stand there, 1218 00:37:41,760 --> 00:37:42,369 you watch recess, 1219 00:37:42,569 --> 00:37:43,178 you masturbate. 1220 00:37:43,220 --> 00:37:44,345 Whatever you want to do. 1221 00:37:48,307 --> 00:37:49,893 All right, that is now 1222 00:37:49,735 --> 00:37:49,735 the worst thing. 1223 00:37:49,935 --> 00:37:51,310 That's the worst thing. 1224 00:37:51,352 --> 00:37:53,021 Now, that's the worst thing 1225 00:37:52,863 --> 00:37:52,863 I ever said. 1226 00:37:53,063 --> 00:37:55,107 Okay, all right, okay, 1227 00:37:55,307 --> 00:37:55,307 we'll find it. 1228 00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:00,595 I mean, you could, 1229 00:38:00,795 --> 00:38:01,446 it's a public school, 1230 00:38:01,487 --> 00:38:03,823 nobody would even give a shit. 1231 00:38:03,865 --> 00:38:05,700 I haven't thus far. 1232 00:38:05,742 --> 00:38:08,536 Hasn't gotten that bad. 1233 00:38:08,578 --> 00:38:11,039 Anyway, I'm watching recess, 1234 00:38:10,881 --> 00:38:10,881 and recess is a trip. 1235 00:38:11,081 --> 00:38:14,751 If you've never been to recess, 1236 00:38:14,793 --> 00:38:16,465 it's intense because 1237 00:38:16,665 --> 00:38:18,337 it's like the universe. 1238 00:38:18,379 --> 00:38:20,381 Like you know if you watch 1239 00:38:20,581 --> 00:38:21,261 the ocean crash, 1240 00:38:21,461 --> 00:38:21,801 waves on the beach 1241 00:38:21,992 --> 00:38:22,001 for a long time, 1242 00:38:22,183 --> 00:38:22,192 you start feeling 1243 00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:23,718 like you're understanding 1244 00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:25,428 how everything works? 1245 00:38:25,470 --> 00:38:26,972 That's what recess is like, 1246 00:38:27,013 --> 00:38:29,207 because every natural chaotic 1247 00:38:29,407 --> 00:38:31,601 energy is represented at recess. 1248 00:38:31,643 --> 00:38:33,941 There's kids swirling around in 1249 00:38:34,141 --> 00:38:36,439 these big roiling, crazy things, 1250 00:38:36,481 --> 00:38:39,067 there's one kid just 1251 00:38:38,909 --> 00:38:38,909 spazzing out 1252 00:38:39,109 --> 00:38:41,069 just to some singularity kid, 1253 00:38:41,111 --> 00:38:45,490 just a binary system of two kids 1254 00:38:45,331 --> 00:38:45,331 holding hands 1255 00:38:45,531 --> 00:38:46,766 and they're running and just 1256 00:38:46,966 --> 00:38:48,201 clotheslining every child 1257 00:38:48,243 --> 00:38:49,953 at a certain height. 1258 00:38:49,995 --> 00:38:52,538 They're keeping a uniform height 1259 00:38:52,738 --> 00:38:52,738 to the playground. 1260 00:38:56,459 --> 00:38:59,004 So I'm watching recess 1261 00:38:59,045 --> 00:39:04,176 and I see Jizzanthepuss and he's 1262 00:39:04,376 --> 00:39:05,723 walking with this evil... 1263 00:39:05,923 --> 00:39:06,596 This kid is like evil 1264 00:39:06,796 --> 00:39:07,470 stuck out of time. 1265 00:39:07,512 --> 00:39:10,473 He's like... I always picture him 1266 00:39:10,255 --> 00:39:10,255 in a gray fur coat 1267 00:39:10,455 --> 00:39:10,455 with bones in it 1268 00:39:10,515 --> 00:39:13,685 and lots of rings from people 1269 00:39:13,726 --> 00:39:14,502 that he killed, 1270 00:39:14,702 --> 00:39:15,478 and just walking. 1271 00:39:18,773 --> 00:39:19,632 And then I see my daughter 1272 00:39:19,832 --> 00:39:20,692 and she's standing there 1273 00:39:20,733 --> 00:39:21,960 just by herself, 1274 00:39:22,160 --> 00:39:22,160 and there's Jizzanthepuss 1275 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:24,487 and I know he's going for her, 1276 00:39:24,529 --> 00:39:27,157 it was like an action movie- 1277 00:39:26,999 --> 00:39:26,999 thriller thing. 1278 00:39:27,199 --> 00:39:28,683 Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, 1279 00:39:28,883 --> 00:39:30,368 dun-dun-dun-dun-dun! 1280 00:39:30,409 --> 00:39:31,828 And I think to myself, 1281 00:39:31,870 --> 00:39:32,938 I gotta go over there 1282 00:39:33,138 --> 00:39:34,206 and I gotta protect her, 1283 00:39:34,247 --> 00:39:37,042 but then I thought, let him do 1284 00:39:37,242 --> 00:39:38,485 a little something first. 1285 00:39:38,685 --> 00:39:39,306 Let him do just a little 1286 00:39:39,506 --> 00:39:40,128 something because I wanna... 1287 00:39:40,170 --> 00:39:41,383 I want this kid 1288 00:39:41,583 --> 00:39:42,797 in my life. 1289 00:39:42,839 --> 00:39:44,799 I want... 1290 00:39:44,841 --> 00:39:47,844 I want a reason. 1291 00:39:47,886 --> 00:39:49,871 I want aerial photos of him 1292 00:39:50,071 --> 00:39:52,057 doing some shit to my family 1293 00:39:52,098 --> 00:39:54,226 that I can bring to the UN 1294 00:39:54,267 --> 00:39:56,853 and get authority to waterboard 1295 00:39:57,053 --> 00:39:57,053 this little motherfucker. 1296 00:39:57,253 --> 00:39:59,314 I want to... 1297 00:39:59,356 --> 00:40:01,900 I want to get him on a flight 1298 00:40:01,741 --> 00:40:01,741 to Venezuela 1299 00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:03,071 with an envelope on his head 1300 00:40:03,271 --> 00:40:04,402 and duct tape and all that shit. 1301 00:40:11,326 --> 00:40:13,995 So anyway, he goes for her, 1302 00:40:13,837 --> 00:40:13,837 grabs her arm 1303 00:40:14,037 --> 00:40:14,833 and starts twisting it 1304 00:40:15,033 --> 00:40:15,830 and she goes, "Ah!" 1305 00:40:15,872 --> 00:40:17,524 I run over, I'm just knocking 1306 00:40:17,724 --> 00:40:19,376 kids over, I run, grab him, 1307 00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:21,169 and I look in his little face 1308 00:40:21,011 --> 00:40:21,011 and I go, 1309 00:40:21,211 --> 00:40:24,881 "Listen to me, Jizzanthepuss, 1310 00:40:24,923 --> 00:40:26,929 "if you ever, 1311 00:40:27,129 --> 00:40:29,135 ever in your life 1312 00:40:29,177 --> 00:40:30,303 touch her again"... 1313 00:40:30,145 --> 00:40:30,145 And as I'm 1314 00:40:30,345 --> 00:40:32,430 doing this I realize, 1315 00:40:32,471 --> 00:40:34,807 this is not cool that 1316 00:40:34,649 --> 00:40:34,649 I'm doing this. 1317 00:40:34,849 --> 00:40:37,310 This is totally inappropriate. 1318 00:40:37,352 --> 00:40:40,479 It's really wrong. 1319 00:40:40,521 --> 00:40:42,527 It's way over the top, 1320 00:40:42,727 --> 00:40:44,734 it's too grown-up, 1321 00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:46,865 it's like he's a drug dealer in 1322 00:40:47,065 --> 00:40:49,155 my building that I finally find. 1323 00:40:49,197 --> 00:40:51,599 "This ends now, motherfucker, 1324 00:40:51,799 --> 00:40:54,202 I will cut you, I don't care." 1325 00:40:54,244 --> 00:40:56,704 And he's, "Wah!" 1326 00:40:56,746 --> 00:40:58,957 Just starts crying pitifully 1327 00:40:58,798 --> 00:40:58,798 and I really, 1328 00:40:58,998 --> 00:41:01,084 I just walked away from him. 1329 00:41:01,126 --> 00:41:02,460 I just got away. 1330 00:41:10,009 --> 00:41:12,470 And then all the teachers, 1331 00:41:12,251 --> 00:41:12,251 everybody... 1332 00:41:12,451 --> 00:41:12,451 "Jizzanthepuss, 1333 00:41:12,511 --> 00:41:14,055 what's wrong with you?" 1334 00:41:14,097 --> 00:41:15,473 And he's like... 1335 00:41:18,851 --> 00:41:20,812 And he couldn't articulate it, 1336 00:41:20,853 --> 00:41:24,649 because he's not getting 1337 00:41:24,490 --> 00:41:24,490 educated, fuck him. 1338 00:41:24,690 --> 00:41:26,091 I was there going, yeah, you 1339 00:41:26,291 --> 00:41:27,693 could have told on me, bitch, 1340 00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:30,158 but you're too stupid now, 1341 00:41:30,358 --> 00:41:32,782 which is your own fault. 1342 00:41:32,824 --> 00:41:36,535 You future ditch-digging 1343 00:41:36,735 --> 00:41:37,395 piece of shit. 1344 00:41:37,595 --> 00:41:37,925 Oh, I'm gonna 1345 00:41:38,125 --> 00:41:38,455 love watching you 1346 00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:41,666 grow up into nothing, 1347 00:41:41,507 --> 00:41:41,507 motherfucker. 1348 00:41:41,707 --> 00:41:43,501 I'm gonna watch it 1349 00:41:43,542 --> 00:41:46,254 and I'm gonna fuck your mom 1350 00:41:46,454 --> 00:41:48,177 and not call her, too. 1351 00:41:48,377 --> 00:41:50,300 I'm gonna ruin her summer. 1352 00:41:50,342 --> 00:41:52,844 I'm gonna fuck your mom twice 1353 00:41:53,044 --> 00:41:53,044 and then never call her. 1354 00:41:56,764 --> 00:41:57,436 And I don't know your dad 1355 00:41:57,636 --> 00:41:58,308 because he ran out on you, 1356 00:41:58,350 --> 00:41:59,976 but I'm gonna find him, 1357 00:42:00,018 --> 00:42:00,960 I'm gonna turn myself gay and 1358 00:42:01,160 --> 00:42:02,103 then I'm gonna fuck him, too. 1359 00:42:02,145 --> 00:42:04,522 I'm gonna suck his dick 1360 00:42:04,163 --> 00:42:04,163 so good 1361 00:42:04,363 --> 00:42:04,363 that he just has 1362 00:42:04,563 --> 00:42:07,608 to change his whole life. 1363 00:42:07,650 --> 00:42:09,819 And I'm gonna move into a place 1364 00:42:10,019 --> 00:42:10,866 with him in the Village 1365 00:42:11,066 --> 00:42:12,113 for a couple months 1366 00:42:11,955 --> 00:42:11,955 and totally... 1367 00:42:12,155 --> 00:42:13,681 He'll cut off ties to all his 1368 00:42:13,881 --> 00:42:15,408 life and start wearing cutoffs 1369 00:42:15,450 --> 00:42:17,827 that are really tight, 1370 00:42:17,469 --> 00:42:17,469 and he'll just... 1371 00:42:17,669 --> 00:42:17,669 And then I'll go to some 1372 00:42:17,869 --> 00:42:20,455 Christian turn-you-not-gay place 1373 00:42:20,497 --> 00:42:21,873 and I'll come back and go, 1374 00:42:21,914 --> 00:42:23,582 "What's wrong with you, 1375 00:42:23,424 --> 00:42:23,424 faggot?" 1376 00:42:23,624 --> 00:42:26,044 and make him feel bad inside, 1377 00:42:26,244 --> 00:42:26,244 like, what has he done. 1378 00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:35,536 Well, you gotta 1379 00:42:35,736 --> 00:42:36,554 protect your kids. 1380 00:42:36,595 --> 00:42:38,639 You know, you gotta protect 1381 00:42:38,839 --> 00:42:38,839 your kids. 1382 00:42:42,810 --> 00:42:46,356 You gotta do it, man. 1383 00:42:46,398 --> 00:42:48,237 A lot of people will talk 1384 00:42:48,437 --> 00:42:50,276 the talk but, you know. 1385 00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:51,777 A lot of people say that shit, 1386 00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:52,512 "I would throw myself under 1387 00:42:52,712 --> 00:42:53,405 a bus for my children." 1388 00:42:53,446 --> 00:42:54,864 Oh yeah? 1389 00:42:54,906 --> 00:42:57,950 Would you fuck another kid's dad 1390 00:42:58,150 --> 00:42:58,150 and confuse him sexually 1391 00:42:57,792 --> 00:42:57,792 and yourself 1392 00:42:57,992 --> 00:42:59,293 sexually in the process 1393 00:42:59,493 --> 00:43:00,795 and use homophobia that 1394 00:43:00,995 --> 00:43:03,873 you hate against another person 1395 00:43:03,915 --> 00:43:08,627 just because some kid shoved 1396 00:43:08,827 --> 00:43:10,070 your kid for a second? 1397 00:43:10,270 --> 00:43:10,892 That's my baby girl, 1398 00:43:11,092 --> 00:43:11,714 I gotta do it, son. 1399 00:43:11,756 --> 00:43:12,573 I gotta suck that dick, 1400 00:43:12,773 --> 00:43:13,591 that's my baby girl, 1401 00:43:13,632 --> 00:43:14,926 I gotta do it for her. 1402 00:43:17,345 --> 00:43:21,682 All right. 1403 00:43:21,724 --> 00:43:23,313 All right, I hate that child, 1404 00:43:23,513 --> 00:43:25,103 that's what I'm trying to say. 1405 00:43:25,144 --> 00:43:26,354 I've been thinking about 1406 00:43:26,196 --> 00:43:26,196 my memories 1407 00:43:26,396 --> 00:43:28,106 because I have kids now, 1408 00:43:28,147 --> 00:43:30,007 and my kids are at an age where 1409 00:43:30,207 --> 00:43:32,068 I remember being their age. 1410 00:43:31,910 --> 00:43:31,910 I remember 1411 00:43:32,110 --> 00:43:33,486 being a six-year-old, 1412 00:43:33,528 --> 00:43:34,199 I remember being 1413 00:43:34,399 --> 00:43:35,071 a nine-year-old. 1414 00:43:35,113 --> 00:43:37,115 That's a big threshold that 1415 00:43:37,315 --> 00:43:37,890 my kids have crossed, 1416 00:43:38,090 --> 00:43:38,378 is that I remember 1417 00:43:38,543 --> 00:43:38,578 being their age. 1418 00:43:38,708 --> 00:43:38,743 Because when 1419 00:43:38,908 --> 00:43:40,535 you're raising kids, 1420 00:43:40,577 --> 00:43:42,579 you're not raising the kid 1421 00:43:42,420 --> 00:43:42,420 in front of you, 1422 00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:43,688 you're raising the grownup 1423 00:43:43,888 --> 00:43:44,956 that they're gonna be later. 1424 00:43:44,997 --> 00:43:45,610 And I was a kid once. 1425 00:43:45,810 --> 00:43:46,424 When they were babies, 1426 00:43:46,624 --> 00:43:48,876 I didn't really relate to them 1427 00:43:48,918 --> 00:43:50,545 because they're babies. 1428 00:43:50,587 --> 00:43:51,612 A baby is not going 1429 00:43:51,812 --> 00:43:52,838 to remember shit 1430 00:43:52,880 --> 00:43:55,174 that is happening to it. 1431 00:43:55,216 --> 00:43:56,492 If you have a baby, keep it 1432 00:43:56,692 --> 00:43:57,969 alive and enjoy yourself. 1433 00:43:58,010 --> 00:43:59,474 But really, the baby, 1434 00:43:59,674 --> 00:44:01,139 it's not gonna matter. 1435 00:44:01,180 --> 00:44:03,682 A baby is not accumulating 1436 00:44:03,524 --> 00:44:03,524 anything. 1437 00:44:03,724 --> 00:44:04,583 It's like an Etch-A-Sketch 1438 00:44:04,783 --> 00:44:05,643 that you shake every day. 1439 00:44:05,684 --> 00:44:07,002 It doesn't really... 1440 00:44:07,202 --> 00:44:08,521 it doesn't matter. 1441 00:44:08,563 --> 00:44:10,440 You go up... you could go up to 1442 00:44:10,640 --> 00:44:10,924 your baby's face everyday 1443 00:44:11,124 --> 00:44:11,608 and go, "Fuck you, baby!" 1444 00:44:11,490 --> 00:44:11,490 Everyday, 1445 00:44:11,690 --> 00:44:12,858 what does it matter? 1446 00:44:17,655 --> 00:44:18,410 You could do that every day 1447 00:44:18,610 --> 00:44:18,808 and it wouldn't matter. 1448 00:44:19,008 --> 00:44:19,207 I mean, they'll grow up 1449 00:44:19,407 --> 00:44:22,160 with a general sadness inside, 1450 00:44:22,201 --> 00:44:24,745 but they won't... 1451 00:44:24,587 --> 00:44:24,587 they won't 1452 00:44:24,787 --> 00:44:27,486 actually remember why. 1453 00:44:27,686 --> 00:44:30,385 And memories are weird 1454 00:44:30,585 --> 00:44:33,171 because memories get distorted 1455 00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:34,055 by who you are now 1456 00:44:34,255 --> 00:44:35,098 and who you were 1457 00:44:35,298 --> 00:44:37,758 when you experienced them. 1458 00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:39,636 Like, I remember when I first 1459 00:44:39,836 --> 00:44:40,516 started doing stand-up, 1460 00:44:40,716 --> 00:44:41,056 I was living in Boston 1461 00:44:41,256 --> 00:44:41,596 and there was one club 1462 00:44:41,638 --> 00:44:43,931 that was owned by a gay guy. 1463 00:44:43,973 --> 00:44:45,833 And my memory is that that guy 1464 00:44:46,033 --> 00:44:47,893 was always trying to fuck me. 1465 00:44:47,935 --> 00:44:49,270 That's my memory. 1466 00:44:49,312 --> 00:44:50,938 I've carried it for 20 years. 1467 00:44:50,980 --> 00:44:53,941 There was a gay guy tried to 1468 00:44:54,141 --> 00:44:54,779 fuck me all the time. 1469 00:44:54,979 --> 00:44:55,298 Now recently I caught up 1470 00:44:55,498 --> 00:44:55,818 with an old friend of mine 1471 00:44:55,660 --> 00:44:55,660 from those days 1472 00:44:55,860 --> 00:44:57,820 who I hadn't seen in years. 1473 00:44:57,862 --> 00:44:59,322 And we started talking about 1474 00:44:59,164 --> 00:44:59,164 different people 1475 00:44:59,364 --> 00:45:00,948 and he brought him up. 1476 00:45:00,990 --> 00:45:02,016 And I said, "That guy always 1477 00:45:02,216 --> 00:45:03,242 used to try to fuck me." 1478 00:45:03,284 --> 00:45:05,161 And he goes, "He did?" 1479 00:45:05,203 --> 00:45:06,287 And I was like, "Yeah!" 1480 00:45:06,329 --> 00:45:07,872 And he goes, "Really? 1481 00:45:07,913 --> 00:45:08,668 "Did he... I mean, did he take 1482 00:45:08,868 --> 00:45:09,624 you to his house or something 1483 00:45:09,666 --> 00:45:12,335 and really try to physically..." 1484 00:45:12,377 --> 00:45:13,236 "No, it's just that 1485 00:45:13,436 --> 00:45:14,295 you know what I mean, 1486 00:45:14,337 --> 00:45:17,006 he tried to fuck me 1487 00:45:16,848 --> 00:45:16,848 all the time." 1488 00:45:17,048 --> 00:45:18,616 He's like, "Well, did he say, 1489 00:45:18,816 --> 00:45:20,385 did he push you and say stuff 1490 00:45:20,426 --> 00:45:22,261 all the time and make you 1491 00:45:22,461 --> 00:45:23,391 uncomfortable?" 1492 00:45:23,591 --> 00:45:24,721 "No, it just was..." 1493 00:45:24,763 --> 00:45:26,224 And as we went through it, 1494 00:45:26,065 --> 00:45:26,065 I finally... 1495 00:45:26,265 --> 00:45:27,808 the truth that came out was, 1496 00:45:27,850 --> 00:45:29,648 the whole story really was 1497 00:45:29,848 --> 00:45:31,646 there once was a gay man. 1498 00:45:31,688 --> 00:45:33,481 That's it. 1499 00:45:33,523 --> 00:45:35,483 That's really what happened. 1500 00:45:35,525 --> 00:45:39,111 He was gay, I was 19. 1501 00:45:39,153 --> 00:45:41,738 And now, he tried to fuck me 1502 00:45:41,580 --> 00:45:41,580 all the time, 1503 00:45:41,780 --> 00:45:43,682 like I went through 1504 00:45:43,882 --> 00:45:45,784 life with that. 1505 00:45:45,826 --> 00:45:46,852 But I'm trying to remember 1506 00:45:47,052 --> 00:45:48,079 what is my first memory. 1507 00:45:48,120 --> 00:45:50,331 How far did my memories go? 1508 00:45:50,373 --> 00:45:53,834 And I remember my first memory, 1509 00:45:53,616 --> 00:45:53,616 I was four years old, 1510 00:45:53,816 --> 00:45:53,816 and I was standing 1511 00:45:53,876 --> 00:45:56,546 in front of my parents' house 1512 00:45:56,588 --> 00:46:00,049 and I was shitting in my pants. 1513 00:46:00,091 --> 00:46:05,179 I was just shitting a massive, 1514 00:46:05,379 --> 00:46:05,379 terribly painful shit. 1515 00:46:05,579 --> 00:46:06,217 And I was halfway 1516 00:46:06,417 --> 00:46:07,056 through the shit. 1517 00:46:07,098 --> 00:46:08,066 That's my first memory, 1518 00:46:08,266 --> 00:46:09,234 is being halfway... 1519 00:46:09,434 --> 00:46:11,768 The first half of the shit, 1520 00:46:11,968 --> 00:46:11,968 I don't remember it. 1521 00:46:11,610 --> 00:46:11,610 That's still in 1522 00:46:11,810 --> 00:46:16,065 the ether of infancy. 1523 00:46:16,107 --> 00:46:17,841 The center of this shit 1524 00:46:18,041 --> 00:46:19,776 was so wide that it... 1525 00:46:19,818 --> 00:46:22,029 I actually came online 1526 00:46:22,071 --> 00:46:24,869 as a result of the anal pain 1527 00:46:25,069 --> 00:46:27,868 that I was experiencing. 1528 00:46:27,910 --> 00:46:29,370 It actually awakened me and... 1529 00:46:31,339 --> 00:46:31,339 ... into the stream of 1530 00:46:31,539 --> 00:46:33,790 consciousness I'm now living. 1531 00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:39,464 That's how my life started, 1532 00:46:39,664 --> 00:46:39,664 that's who I am. 1533 00:46:45,728 --> 00:46:45,728 A lot of my 1534 00:46:45,928 --> 00:46:47,000 memories I don't like. 1535 00:46:47,200 --> 00:46:48,273 I don't like when I was a 1536 00:46:48,473 --> 00:46:51,309 teenager, I hated all that time. 1537 00:46:51,350 --> 00:46:53,269 I hated being a teenager 1538 00:46:53,111 --> 00:46:53,111 and then 1539 00:46:53,311 --> 00:46:55,812 I discovered drugs, 1540 00:46:55,854 --> 00:46:58,524 and then that's all I gave 1541 00:46:58,306 --> 00:46:58,306 a shit about. 1542 00:46:58,506 --> 00:46:58,506 I don't know how 1543 00:46:58,566 --> 00:47:00,693 I'm gonna tell my kids. 1544 00:47:00,735 --> 00:47:01,657 How the fuck do you 1545 00:47:01,857 --> 00:47:02,779 compete with that? 1546 00:47:02,819 --> 00:47:03,512 How do you take 1547 00:47:03,712 --> 00:47:04,405 a miserable person 1548 00:47:04,447 --> 00:47:06,532 with no control over 1549 00:47:06,374 --> 00:47:06,374 their lives 1550 00:47:06,574 --> 00:47:08,142 and tell them with a straight 1551 00:47:08,342 --> 00:47:09,910 face, "You can't do drugs. 1552 00:47:09,952 --> 00:47:12,079 You can't do that, baby." 1553 00:47:12,121 --> 00:47:13,126 All drugs are are a perfect 1554 00:47:13,326 --> 00:47:14,332 solution to every problem 1555 00:47:14,373 --> 00:47:16,417 you have right now. 1556 00:47:16,459 --> 00:47:19,629 How do you beat that? 1557 00:47:19,671 --> 00:47:23,840 Drugs are so fucking good that 1558 00:47:24,040 --> 00:47:25,513 they'll ruin your life. 1559 00:47:25,713 --> 00:47:27,386 That's how good they are. 1560 00:47:27,428 --> 00:47:29,597 I can't do drugs now 1561 00:47:29,439 --> 00:47:29,439 because I'm 44 1562 00:47:29,639 --> 00:47:32,767 and I can't hook it up. 1563 00:47:32,809 --> 00:47:34,393 I can't make that happen. 1564 00:47:34,435 --> 00:47:35,648 If you're 44 and you wanna get 1565 00:47:35,848 --> 00:47:37,062 high, you gotta hurt your back. 1566 00:47:36,904 --> 00:47:36,904 That's pretty much 1567 00:47:37,104 --> 00:47:38,981 the only option you have. 1568 00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:40,258 Hurt your back, get some 1569 00:47:40,458 --> 00:47:41,693 Percocet, and then go, 1570 00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:45,655 I'll get a babysitter and take 1571 00:47:45,855 --> 00:47:45,855 three at a diner. 1572 00:47:45,497 --> 00:47:45,497 Just sad, 1573 00:47:45,697 --> 00:47:49,866 I'm a little drowsy, woo! 1574 00:47:54,246 --> 00:47:55,707 I never really could 1575 00:47:55,548 --> 00:47:55,548 have like a... 1576 00:47:55,748 --> 00:47:57,916 I wish I was a drunk. 1577 00:47:57,958 --> 00:48:01,504 I love romantically the idea 1578 00:48:01,704 --> 00:48:03,092 of being a real drunk, 1579 00:48:03,292 --> 00:48:04,881 in my bathrobe all day. 1580 00:48:04,923 --> 00:48:07,009 Everybody who loves me 1581 00:48:06,851 --> 00:48:06,851 is always crying, 1582 00:48:07,051 --> 00:48:08,265 "He's destroying himself, 1583 00:48:08,465 --> 00:48:09,679 I can't watch anymore." 1584 00:48:09,721 --> 00:48:13,932 Shut up, ew, yeah. 1585 00:48:13,974 --> 00:48:15,934 Showing up at my kid's school 1586 00:48:16,134 --> 00:48:16,134 play halfway through. 1587 00:48:15,776 --> 00:48:15,776 "You show them 1588 00:48:15,976 --> 00:48:19,605 who you are, baby!" 1589 00:48:19,647 --> 00:48:22,941 I wish I could be that guy. 1590 00:48:22,783 --> 00:48:22,783 But I can't drink 1591 00:48:22,983 --> 00:48:25,152 because I just get tired. 1592 00:48:25,194 --> 00:48:26,738 I go to sleep. 1593 00:48:26,779 --> 00:48:29,782 I don't know how people drink 1594 00:48:29,982 --> 00:48:30,641 and then do shit. 1595 00:48:30,841 --> 00:48:31,171 Like when I see 1596 00:48:31,371 --> 00:48:31,701 movies or TV shows 1597 00:48:31,743 --> 00:48:33,160 where there's people 1598 00:48:32,802 --> 00:48:32,802 in an office 1599 00:48:33,002 --> 00:48:33,002 having a power meeting 1600 00:48:33,202 --> 00:48:35,204 and they're "clink, clink..." 1601 00:48:35,246 --> 00:48:38,374 They're making a drink in the 1602 00:48:38,574 --> 00:48:38,574 daylight with a tie on. 1603 00:48:38,216 --> 00:48:38,216 "Well, Senator, 1604 00:48:38,416 --> 00:48:41,293 I hope you play ball with us 1605 00:48:41,335 --> 00:48:42,465 in this construction deal, 1606 00:48:42,665 --> 00:48:43,796 if you know what I'm saying." 1607 00:48:43,838 --> 00:48:47,299 "Yeah, well, I'll see what's 1608 00:48:47,141 --> 00:48:47,141 in it for me..." 1609 00:48:47,341 --> 00:48:48,409 How is the next scene 1610 00:48:48,609 --> 00:48:49,677 not all those people 1611 00:48:49,719 --> 00:48:51,512 just lying on the floor, 1612 00:48:51,554 --> 00:48:53,247 like fuck, I can't believe 1613 00:48:53,447 --> 00:48:55,140 I drank whiskey at noon. 1614 00:49:00,071 --> 00:49:00,071 I can't smoke pot 1615 00:49:00,271 --> 00:49:02,815 because it's the same thing, 1616 00:49:02,857 --> 00:49:04,316 I'm too old for it. 1617 00:49:04,358 --> 00:49:05,902 Sometimes young people come up 1618 00:49:06,102 --> 00:49:06,657 to me after shows, 1619 00:49:06,857 --> 00:49:07,134 "Hey, do you want 1620 00:49:07,334 --> 00:49:07,612 to smoke some pot?" 1621 00:49:07,653 --> 00:49:09,530 I'm like, can I get my portion 1622 00:49:09,372 --> 00:49:09,372 to smoke without you, 1623 00:49:09,572 --> 00:49:10,931 alone, later, because I don't 1624 00:49:11,131 --> 00:49:12,491 want to stand in a parking lot 1625 00:49:12,533 --> 00:49:13,868 with some 20-year-olds. 1626 00:49:16,704 --> 00:49:18,043 Last time I got high 1627 00:49:18,243 --> 00:49:19,582 was in Kansas City, 1628 00:49:19,624 --> 00:49:21,254 and I got high because I was in 1629 00:49:21,454 --> 00:49:23,085 Kansas City and it's shitty. 1630 00:49:23,127 --> 00:49:26,088 So after the show, these kids 1631 00:49:26,288 --> 00:49:26,288 that worked at the club, 1632 00:49:25,930 --> 00:49:25,930 they were like, 1633 00:49:26,130 --> 00:49:27,465 "You wanna smoke some pot?" 1634 00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:29,216 I'm like "Yes." 1635 00:49:29,258 --> 00:49:31,051 So I'm standing in the parking 1636 00:49:31,251 --> 00:49:31,869 lot with these kids, 1637 00:49:32,069 --> 00:49:32,887 like 20 years old, 1638 00:49:32,929 --> 00:49:33,975 and we're smoking a joint 1639 00:49:34,175 --> 00:49:35,222 and I'm taking huge hits 1640 00:49:35,264 --> 00:49:36,973 because I had no idea. 1641 00:49:37,015 --> 00:49:38,434 I didn't know they had been 1642 00:49:38,276 --> 00:49:38,276 working on this shit 1643 00:49:38,476 --> 00:49:39,976 like it's the cure for cancer. 1644 00:49:40,018 --> 00:49:41,002 I didn't understand 1645 00:49:41,202 --> 00:49:42,187 the fucking technology 1646 00:49:42,229 --> 00:49:44,649 that's gone into making pot 1647 00:49:44,490 --> 00:49:44,490 so powerful, 1648 00:49:44,690 --> 00:49:46,066 because when I was a kid, 1649 00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:47,944 you could just smoke a joint 1650 00:49:47,724 --> 00:49:47,724 for awhile. 1651 00:49:47,924 --> 00:49:47,924 Now you take 1652 00:49:47,984 --> 00:49:51,572 two hits and you go insane. 1653 00:49:51,614 --> 00:49:54,617 It's not doable anymore. 1654 00:49:54,659 --> 00:49:56,786 And I was taking big hits, 1655 00:49:56,828 --> 00:50:00,997 like big 1970s jean jacket 1656 00:50:01,197 --> 00:50:01,197 Bad Company hits. 1657 00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:05,628 ♪ Here come the jesters ♪ 1658 00:50:05,670 --> 00:50:09,298 ♪ 1-2-3 ♪ 1659 00:50:09,340 --> 00:50:13,552 ♪ It's all part of 1660 00:50:13,394 --> 00:50:13,394 my fantasy ♪ 1661 00:50:13,594 --> 00:50:14,666 And I'm like, yeah. 1662 00:50:14,866 --> 00:50:15,938 And even the kid with 1663 00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:21,560 the wooden hole of no ear, 1664 00:50:21,602 --> 00:50:24,814 the absence of flesh in his ear 1665 00:50:24,656 --> 00:50:24,656 with the wood. 1666 00:50:24,856 --> 00:50:28,359 I don't know what that is. 1667 00:50:28,400 --> 00:50:29,885 Even he was like, "You should be 1668 00:50:30,085 --> 00:50:31,570 careful, that's a lot of pot. 1669 00:50:31,612 --> 00:50:34,281 That's very strong marijuana." 1670 00:50:34,323 --> 00:50:37,117 I'm like, "Yeah, I'm fine." 1671 00:50:37,159 --> 00:50:38,744 ♪ Running with the devil ♪ 1672 00:50:38,786 --> 00:50:40,012 Just fucking... 1673 00:50:40,212 --> 00:50:40,212 And in about ten seconds, 1674 00:50:40,412 --> 00:50:44,500 everything just "beeeeyyyooo." 1675 00:50:44,542 --> 00:50:47,962 "Beeeeyyooooo." 1676 00:50:48,004 --> 00:50:52,550 And I'm like, oh shit. 1677 00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:54,552 This is an ordeal now. 1678 00:50:58,263 --> 00:50:59,435 I'm not gonna feel okay 1679 00:50:59,635 --> 00:51:00,808 for a very long time. 1680 00:51:06,155 --> 00:51:06,155 And everybody is just 1681 00:51:06,355 --> 00:51:08,106 standing around and talking 1682 00:51:08,148 --> 00:51:09,507 and I'm hoping, like, 1683 00:51:09,707 --> 00:51:11,067 I'm really hoping, 1684 00:51:11,109 --> 00:51:12,862 that I look like this. 1685 00:51:20,953 --> 00:51:25,249 But I'm pretty sure that I was 1686 00:51:25,449 --> 00:51:25,449 just scanning insanely. 1687 00:51:33,883 --> 00:51:35,885 I was actually counting, like, 1688 00:51:35,927 --> 00:51:40,056 look at her for five, four, 1689 00:51:39,836 --> 00:51:39,836 three, two, one... 1690 00:51:40,036 --> 00:51:40,036 Switch to him, 1691 00:51:40,096 --> 00:51:43,475 five, four, three, two... 1692 00:51:43,517 --> 00:51:44,960 Randomize, don't go in the same 1693 00:51:45,160 --> 00:51:46,604 direction, five, four, three... 1694 00:51:46,645 --> 00:51:48,522 Nod your head, that looks like 1695 00:51:48,364 --> 00:51:48,364 you're listening 1696 00:51:48,564 --> 00:51:50,024 if you nod your head. 1697 00:51:50,066 --> 00:51:51,901 "Ha-ha-ha." 1698 00:51:55,780 --> 00:51:57,431 And at one point I realize 1699 00:51:57,631 --> 00:51:59,283 I need to get out of here, 1700 00:51:59,324 --> 00:52:01,247 because the air is hitting my 1701 00:52:01,447 --> 00:52:03,370 arm weirdly and they can tell. 1702 00:52:03,212 --> 00:52:03,212 They totally know that 1703 00:52:03,412 --> 00:52:06,874 I'm not handling the way air 1704 00:52:06,916 --> 00:52:08,292 is touching my arm right now. 1705 00:52:11,420 --> 00:52:13,089 Why am I doing that 1706 00:52:12,869 --> 00:52:12,869 with my hand, 1707 00:52:13,069 --> 00:52:13,069 that's weird 1708 00:52:13,129 --> 00:52:15,131 to do that with your hand. 1709 00:52:15,173 --> 00:52:17,259 Nobody stands like this, 1710 00:52:17,301 --> 00:52:19,428 nobody stands like this, 1711 00:52:19,270 --> 00:52:19,270 just fucking... 1712 00:52:19,470 --> 00:52:21,288 No, that's also, that's 1713 00:52:21,488 --> 00:52:23,307 weird, too, that's crazy. 1714 00:52:23,348 --> 00:52:25,141 Just... 1715 00:52:25,183 --> 00:52:27,227 Shit. 1716 00:52:27,269 --> 00:52:28,896 I gotta go. 1717 00:52:28,938 --> 00:52:29,984 But I didn't know how to leave, 1718 00:52:30,184 --> 00:52:31,231 because I had this dilemma. 1719 00:52:31,273 --> 00:52:34,652 We're all standing in a perfect 1720 00:52:34,852 --> 00:52:35,761 circle facing each other. 1721 00:52:35,961 --> 00:52:36,416 And I thought, it's gonna 1722 00:52:36,616 --> 00:52:37,071 be insane if I just turn. 1723 00:52:37,113 --> 00:52:38,534 I'm one person 1724 00:52:38,734 --> 00:52:40,156 with my back now. 1725 00:52:40,198 --> 00:52:42,868 Do I just back away 1726 00:52:42,710 --> 00:52:42,710 like this 1727 00:52:42,910 --> 00:52:46,998 and hope that they fill in? 1728 00:52:47,039 --> 00:52:47,877 And then I thought, 1729 00:52:48,077 --> 00:52:48,916 no, say something. 1730 00:52:48,958 --> 00:52:50,459 Say something out loud to them 1731 00:52:50,501 --> 00:52:53,253 that smooths the transition 1732 00:52:53,095 --> 00:52:53,095 of you leaving. 1733 00:52:53,295 --> 00:52:53,862 Okay, what do I say... 1734 00:52:54,062 --> 00:52:54,630 Pick a thing to say. 1735 00:52:54,672 --> 00:52:56,507 "Goodbye." 1736 00:52:56,548 --> 00:52:58,884 That's a nightmare. 1737 00:52:58,926 --> 00:52:59,802 That's a... 1738 00:52:59,844 --> 00:53:01,553 "Goodbye"? 1739 00:53:01,595 --> 00:53:02,913 That's not even... 1740 00:53:03,113 --> 00:53:04,041 that's just noises. 1741 00:53:04,241 --> 00:53:05,169 Finally, I walked away 1742 00:53:05,369 --> 00:53:06,266 and I said, "I'm leaving!" 1743 00:53:09,812 --> 00:53:11,171 I know it was that bad 1744 00:53:11,371 --> 00:53:12,731 because they all went, 1745 00:53:12,773 --> 00:53:16,443 "Oh shit, okay, all right, 1746 00:53:16,285 --> 00:53:16,285 whoa." 1747 00:53:16,485 --> 00:53:18,324 I'll never see those people 1748 00:53:18,524 --> 00:53:20,364 again as long as I live. 1749 00:53:20,405 --> 00:53:21,139 And then I had 1750 00:53:21,339 --> 00:53:22,074 to get in a car, 1751 00:53:22,116 --> 00:53:24,242 I forgot that I had 1752 00:53:24,084 --> 00:53:24,084 rented a car, 1753 00:53:24,284 --> 00:53:25,581 and I have to drive 1754 00:53:25,781 --> 00:53:26,251 back to the hotel. 1755 00:53:26,451 --> 00:53:26,921 And I'm driving on 1756 00:53:27,121 --> 00:53:30,332 this highway in Missouri 1757 00:53:30,374 --> 00:53:32,417 and at one point I realized, 1758 00:53:32,459 --> 00:53:35,211 I think it's been about 1759 00:53:35,053 --> 00:53:35,053 25 minutes 1760 00:53:35,253 --> 00:53:35,987 since I looked out the 1761 00:53:36,187 --> 00:53:36,922 front window of this car. 1762 00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:43,804 I've just been dealing with shit 1763 00:53:44,004 --> 00:53:44,004 directly in... 1764 00:53:52,479 --> 00:53:55,024 Oh, shit. 1765 00:53:55,066 --> 00:53:56,029 There's a whole spectrum of 1766 00:53:56,229 --> 00:53:57,193 responsibility out here. 1767 00:53:57,033 --> 00:53:57,033 I'm supposed 1768 00:53:57,233 --> 00:54:00,529 to take part in this. 1769 00:54:00,571 --> 00:54:02,865 And then at one point I remember 1770 00:54:03,065 --> 00:54:04,099 I was at a drive-thru 1771 00:54:04,299 --> 00:54:05,534 and I was terrified 1772 00:54:05,576 --> 00:54:08,328 because there's a lady sticking 1773 00:54:08,528 --> 00:54:08,528 her head out a window. 1774 00:54:11,707 --> 00:54:12,833 And she's mad. 1775 00:54:12,875 --> 00:54:14,531 She's going, "Sir, sir," 1776 00:54:14,731 --> 00:54:16,387 and I just kept saying, 1777 00:54:16,587 --> 00:54:18,422 "I don't know, I don't know. 1778 00:54:18,463 --> 00:54:20,799 I don't know!" 1779 00:54:20,841 --> 00:54:22,305 I had the window closed, 1780 00:54:22,505 --> 00:54:23,969 I had no fucking idea... 1781 00:54:23,811 --> 00:54:23,811 What part of 1782 00:54:24,011 --> 00:54:27,514 the transaction am I...? 1783 00:54:27,556 --> 00:54:28,791 Did I pay yet, 1784 00:54:28,991 --> 00:54:30,226 have I ordered? 1785 00:54:30,266 --> 00:54:32,436 Have I been sitting here 1786 00:54:32,277 --> 00:54:32,277 for 40 minutes 1787 00:54:32,477 --> 00:54:35,397 just eating at the window 1788 00:54:35,439 --> 00:54:36,924 and I ate the paper 1789 00:54:37,124 --> 00:54:38,609 and everything? 1790 00:54:38,650 --> 00:54:40,194 "Sir!" 1791 00:54:40,236 --> 00:54:41,011 And I just went, 1792 00:54:41,211 --> 00:54:41,987 "I don't want it!" 1793 00:54:42,029 --> 00:54:43,530 And I just fucking bolted. 1794 00:54:49,453 --> 00:54:51,163 So I can't do that 1795 00:54:51,363 --> 00:54:51,363 anymore. 1796 00:54:55,126 --> 00:54:55,713 But you know, 1797 00:54:55,913 --> 00:54:56,501 you get older 1798 00:54:56,543 --> 00:54:57,962 and some things you can't 1799 00:54:57,803 --> 00:54:57,803 do anymore. 1800 00:54:58,003 --> 00:54:58,695 Some things you don't 1801 00:54:58,895 --> 00:54:59,588 want to do anymore. 1802 00:54:59,630 --> 00:55:02,174 It's a nice change, you feel 1803 00:55:02,374 --> 00:55:03,200 some desires fall away, 1804 00:55:03,400 --> 00:55:04,426 new things make you happy. 1805 00:55:04,468 --> 00:55:05,577 But some things don't change, 1806 00:55:05,777 --> 00:55:06,887 and some things I'm sick of, 1807 00:55:06,929 --> 00:55:08,430 like the constant, 1808 00:55:08,472 --> 00:55:13,185 just the constant perverted 1809 00:55:13,027 --> 00:55:13,027 sexual thoughts. 1810 00:55:13,227 --> 00:55:15,854 I'm so tired of those. 1811 00:55:15,896 --> 00:55:17,106 Just the constant... 1812 00:55:17,148 --> 00:55:20,859 Tits... suck... 1813 00:55:22,778 --> 00:55:24,613 It makes me into an idiot. 1814 00:55:24,655 --> 00:55:26,077 I'm jacking off to morons, 1815 00:55:26,277 --> 00:55:27,699 "Ah, look at my tits!" 1816 00:55:27,741 --> 00:55:29,785 "Yeah, your tits are awesome!" 1817 00:55:29,827 --> 00:55:33,914 It's just a dumb part of life 1818 00:55:33,556 --> 00:55:33,556 that I'm sick of. 1819 00:55:33,756 --> 00:55:33,756 It's all day too, it's 1820 00:55:33,956 --> 00:55:37,126 just, you can't have a day. 1821 00:55:37,168 --> 00:55:39,128 I just want to be a person 1822 00:55:38,970 --> 00:55:38,970 in clothes, 1823 00:55:39,170 --> 00:55:41,297 walking in a store and just... 1824 00:55:41,337 --> 00:55:43,423 I just want to go to a library 1825 00:55:43,265 --> 00:55:43,265 and ask for... 1826 00:55:43,465 --> 00:55:44,407 "Hi, ma'am, is, um, 1827 00:55:44,607 --> 00:55:45,550 I'm looking for a book 1828 00:55:45,592 --> 00:55:48,553 "about early Abraham Lincoln, 1829 00:55:48,335 --> 00:55:48,335 like when he was... 1830 00:55:48,535 --> 00:55:48,535 I wish I could wrap 1831 00:55:48,595 --> 00:55:50,848 your hair around my dick!" 1832 00:55:50,889 --> 00:55:54,059 Oh, shit. 1833 00:55:54,101 --> 00:55:55,936 I'm trying to talk to her! 1834 00:55:59,355 --> 00:56:00,402 That's really 1835 00:56:00,602 --> 00:56:01,650 a male problem. 1836 00:56:01,692 --> 00:56:03,235 It's really a male problem, 1837 00:56:03,277 --> 00:56:05,445 not being able to control your 1838 00:56:05,645 --> 00:56:06,158 constant sexual impulses. 1839 00:56:06,358 --> 00:56:06,536 Women try to compete. 1840 00:56:06,736 --> 00:56:06,914 They're like, "Well, 1841 00:56:07,114 --> 00:56:10,284 I'm a pervert, you don't know. 1842 00:56:10,326 --> 00:56:12,452 I have really sick sexual 1843 00:56:12,294 --> 00:56:12,294 thoughts." 1844 00:56:12,494 --> 00:56:14,830 No, you have no idea. 1845 00:56:14,872 --> 00:56:18,500 You have no idea. 1846 00:56:18,542 --> 00:56:20,585 Because see, you get to have 1847 00:56:20,427 --> 00:56:20,427 those thoughts, 1848 00:56:20,627 --> 00:56:21,949 I have to have them. 1849 00:56:22,149 --> 00:56:23,472 You're a tourist 1850 00:56:23,672 --> 00:56:26,550 in sexual perversion, 1851 00:56:26,591 --> 00:56:29,427 I'm a prisoner there. 1852 00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:31,180 You're Jane Fonda 1853 00:56:31,022 --> 00:56:31,022 on a tank, 1854 00:56:31,222 --> 00:56:33,224 I'm John McCain in the hut. 1855 00:56:33,265 --> 00:56:35,600 It's a nightmare, 1856 00:56:35,442 --> 00:56:35,442 I can't... 1857 00:56:35,642 --> 00:56:37,019 I can't lift my arms. 1858 00:56:41,448 --> 00:56:41,448 And you know, men, 1859 00:56:41,648 --> 00:56:44,735 sex is such a constant thing, 1860 00:56:44,776 --> 00:56:48,030 it's not even sex to us, 1861 00:56:47,872 --> 00:56:47,872 it's just pussy. 1862 00:56:48,072 --> 00:56:49,489 That's what we call it. 1863 00:56:49,531 --> 00:56:50,657 Pussy. 1864 00:56:50,699 --> 00:56:52,701 It's such... it has nothing 1865 00:56:52,543 --> 00:56:52,543 to do with women. 1866 00:56:52,743 --> 00:56:55,871 It's not about girls or chicks 1867 00:56:56,071 --> 00:56:56,071 like it was in the '50s. 1868 00:56:55,713 --> 00:56:55,713 There's no guys 1869 00:56:55,913 --> 00:56:57,831 anywhere in the world saying, 1870 00:56:57,873 --> 00:56:59,295 "Let's go meet some chicks 1871 00:56:59,495 --> 00:57:00,918 and kiss them on the mouth 1872 00:57:00,959 --> 00:57:02,920 and see what happens." 1873 00:57:02,961 --> 00:57:04,546 There's none of that. 1874 00:57:04,588 --> 00:57:06,386 "Mmm, I sure would like to have 1875 00:57:06,586 --> 00:57:08,384 a girl, my arm around a girl. 1876 00:57:08,424 --> 00:57:09,927 Vanessa!" 1877 00:57:09,968 --> 00:57:11,387 No, it's not. 1878 00:57:11,427 --> 00:57:14,556 It's just... pussy. 1879 00:57:14,598 --> 00:57:15,599 Pussy. 1880 00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:17,184 It's not even a pussy. 1881 00:57:24,324 --> 00:57:24,324 It's not 1882 00:57:24,524 --> 00:57:27,611 some people's pussies. 1883 00:57:27,652 --> 00:57:30,197 It's just pussy. 1884 00:57:30,239 --> 00:57:32,182 Like big pink balloon letters in 1885 00:57:32,382 --> 00:57:34,326 front of our faces all the time. 1886 00:57:34,368 --> 00:57:37,662 To men, it's just an element 1887 00:57:37,444 --> 00:57:37,444 of the universe. 1888 00:57:37,644 --> 00:57:37,644 Like, it should be 1889 00:57:37,704 --> 00:57:41,041 on the chart of the elements. 1890 00:57:41,083 --> 00:57:44,295 Next to tin and ammonia. 1891 00:57:44,336 --> 00:57:47,464 PY with an atomic weight 1892 00:57:47,105 --> 00:57:47,105 of 12 1893 00:57:47,305 --> 00:57:47,305 or whatever 1894 00:57:47,505 --> 00:57:49,758 pussy atoms weigh. 1895 00:57:53,804 --> 00:57:54,934 The sad thing is that for 1896 00:57:55,134 --> 00:57:56,265 all our obsession about sex 1897 00:57:56,307 --> 00:57:59,059 and how much we love it, 1898 00:57:58,901 --> 00:57:58,901 we suck at it. 1899 00:57:59,101 --> 00:58:01,061 Men are terrible at sex. 1900 00:58:01,103 --> 00:58:04,148 It never even occurs to us 1901 00:58:03,989 --> 00:58:03,989 to do it well. 1902 00:58:04,189 --> 00:58:06,317 Women just make sex great. 1903 00:58:06,158 --> 00:58:06,158 Women are 1904 00:58:06,358 --> 00:58:08,026 the good part of sex. 1905 00:58:08,068 --> 00:58:11,947 They accept the dick with grace 1906 00:58:12,147 --> 00:58:12,147 and they turn it into art, 1907 00:58:12,347 --> 00:58:13,506 or they climb on 1908 00:58:13,706 --> 00:58:14,866 and they ride, mmm. 1909 00:58:14,908 --> 00:58:16,201 They go for a ride. 1910 00:58:16,243 --> 00:58:16,689 Men don't... 1911 00:58:16,889 --> 00:58:17,335 We just get, 1912 00:58:17,535 --> 00:58:19,413 we just climb on. 1913 00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:29,531 Putting my dick in you, 1914 00:58:29,731 --> 00:58:32,343 put it in, shove it. 1915 00:58:36,814 --> 00:58:36,814 You ever fuck 1916 00:58:37,014 --> 00:58:38,765 when you're out of shape? 1917 00:58:38,807 --> 00:58:40,225 You're like, oh shit. 1918 00:58:40,267 --> 00:58:44,771 This is... My stomach muscles 1919 00:58:44,971 --> 00:58:44,971 are not strong! 1920 00:58:53,655 --> 00:58:55,657 We're so bad at sex. 1921 00:58:55,699 --> 00:58:57,951 And then we wonder why women 1922 00:58:57,793 --> 00:58:57,793 aren't, like, 1923 00:58:57,993 --> 00:58:59,911 really aggressive about sex. 1924 00:58:59,953 --> 00:59:01,271 We think it's because they don't 1925 00:59:01,471 --> 00:59:02,789 have as much desire as we do. 1926 00:59:02,831 --> 00:59:04,837 That's how stupid men are that 1927 00:59:05,037 --> 00:59:07,044 we think, they're just weird. 1928 00:59:06,885 --> 00:59:06,885 "Women are like 1929 00:59:07,085 --> 00:59:10,130 fucked up in the head, 1930 00:59:10,172 --> 00:59:12,716 "because they don't want to just 1931 00:59:12,497 --> 00:59:12,497 fuck all the time. 1932 00:59:12,697 --> 00:59:12,697 "If I was a woman, 1933 00:59:12,757 --> 00:59:15,844 I would just fuck everybody. 1934 00:59:15,886 --> 00:59:17,595 "Why don't they want to fuck 1935 00:59:17,795 --> 00:59:17,795 all the time? 1936 00:59:17,995 --> 00:59:18,596 I do!" 1937 00:59:18,638 --> 00:59:19,806 Of course you do, 1938 00:59:19,848 --> 00:59:21,729 because when you fuck, 1939 00:59:21,929 --> 00:59:23,810 you get to fuck a woman! 1940 00:59:23,852 --> 00:59:26,813 When she fucks, she has 1941 00:59:27,013 --> 00:59:27,013 to fuck a guy. 1942 00:59:33,320 --> 00:59:35,239 Wildly different experience. 1943 00:59:35,280 --> 00:59:38,575 For a man, 100% of the time 1944 00:59:38,775 --> 00:59:39,100 he's fucking a woman, 1945 00:59:39,300 --> 00:59:39,826 it's the greatest thing 1946 00:59:40,026 --> 00:59:40,894 that ever happened 1947 00:59:41,094 --> 00:59:42,162 in his entire life. 1948 00:59:42,004 --> 00:59:42,004 For a woman, 1949 00:59:42,204 --> 00:59:44,164 about 40% of the time 1950 00:59:44,206 --> 00:59:46,208 she's being fucked by a guy, 1951 00:59:46,050 --> 00:59:46,050 she's thinking, 1952 00:59:46,250 --> 00:59:47,484 I'll get over this in a week, 1953 00:59:47,684 --> 00:59:48,919 it's not the worst thing. 1954 00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:50,546 I'm not gonna cry this time. 1955 00:59:56,343 --> 00:59:58,678 Another thing that proves how 1956 00:59:58,520 --> 00:59:58,520 bad men are at sex 1957 00:59:58,720 --> 01:00:00,413 is that after sex you're looking 1958 01:00:00,613 --> 01:00:02,307 at two very different people. 1959 01:00:02,349 --> 01:00:04,642 The man just wants to lay there 1960 01:00:04,484 --> 01:00:04,484 and be cool. 1961 01:00:04,684 --> 01:00:06,811 And the woman wants to cuddle. 1962 01:00:06,653 --> 01:00:06,653 Something that men 1963 01:00:06,853 --> 01:00:08,605 love to make fun of women for. 1964 01:00:08,646 --> 01:00:11,275 "They always wanna cuddle, 1965 01:00:10,916 --> 01:00:10,916 so needy. 1966 01:00:11,116 --> 01:00:11,116 "I already fucked you, 1967 01:00:11,316 --> 01:00:13,693 just let me watch the game. 1968 01:00:13,735 --> 01:00:15,904 I'm so cool." 1969 01:00:15,946 --> 01:00:17,781 "What are you thinking about?" 1970 01:00:17,822 --> 01:00:21,201 "Shut up, leave me alone. 1971 01:00:21,243 --> 01:00:23,370 Why is she so needy?" 1972 01:00:23,412 --> 01:00:26,415 She's not needy, you idiot, 1973 01:00:26,197 --> 01:00:26,197 she's horny, 1974 01:00:26,397 --> 01:00:26,397 because you 1975 01:00:26,457 --> 01:00:29,334 did nothing for her. 1976 01:00:29,376 --> 01:00:32,879 You did absolutely nothing. 1977 01:00:32,921 --> 01:00:35,924 Her pussy is on fire 1978 01:00:35,966 --> 01:00:39,761 because it's gone unfucked 1979 01:00:39,603 --> 01:00:39,603 completely. 1980 01:00:39,803 --> 01:00:41,305 Of course you're fine, 1981 01:00:41,346 --> 01:00:42,873 you climbed on and went 1982 01:00:43,073 --> 01:00:44,600 and rolled off 1983 01:00:44,641 --> 01:00:46,768 and she's on you because 1984 01:00:46,610 --> 01:00:46,610 she's going... 1985 01:00:46,810 --> 01:00:50,188 "Something else has to happen! 1986 01:00:50,230 --> 01:00:52,149 This is bullshit!" 1987 01:00:56,111 --> 01:00:58,180 If you fuck a woman well, 1988 01:00:58,380 --> 01:01:00,449 she will leave you alone. 1989 01:01:00,491 --> 01:01:01,825 "Thanks a lot, buddy." 1990 01:01:07,672 --> 01:01:07,672 Thanks a lot, folks, 1991 01:01:07,872 --> 01:01:11,918 I hope you enjoyed the show. 1992 01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:14,879 You guys were great, thank you 1993 01:01:15,079 --> 01:01:15,676 very, very much. 1994 01:01:15,876 --> 01:01:16,673 Good night!